masochistx3

masochistx3 @ 2009-10-17T00:51:00

2009-10-17T07:59:16Z

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.

there is something nagging at the back of the brain telling me that I don't belong. Somewhere twisted and angry I want to be too but that would be selfish. Selfish. Too selfish too self centered too in control.

but i've never had those.

I feel like I'm getting beaten down day by day but shit I refuse to tell you. Any of you. There is nothing to tell. Nothing. Wheres its these late nights i spend tossing and turning staring into the bleak emptiness. Heavy with burden. Heavy with distaste. For me and you.

These well organized thoughts are lined up one by one after one another but with a heavy tiredness. Tired. Tired are my eyes and soul. Day by day something builds on my shoulders. Laughing and mocking.

Turning a blind eye I still cannot see. Its a bleak grayness that swirls inside the pit of my stomach as I take another pill.

Just one more.

Because fuck it'll solve all that is wrong with me. So you don't have to feel the shame anymore. So you don't have to feel the burden.

Just one more.

Just one more...

JUST FUCK

2009-09-05T05:51:18Z

God just fuck this shit.

I didn't sign up to put up with all this pansy ass bullshit everyday i go through.

and fuck all these pills are just making me angry and fucking depressed. I'm sick of talking to the doctor and i don't want to do this anymore.

it isn't helping. Everything is just tumbling into a pit of misery.

some kind of sick fucking twisted self reliance on medication to make me feel better about myself and the world. Well no one fucking cares no one fucking listens you dumbfuck for a doctor. shit

just fuck

FUCK

Beaux mots doux

2009-09-03T08:52:29Z

Il y a tant de choses passant par ma tête mais en même temps rien. Je me sens comme I' ; m tombant encore. Vers le bas et vers le bas et vers le bas tandis qu'I' ; effacement de moi.

Ces chansons douces que ces voix invisibles me chantent ne m'ont plus mis pour dormir. Je regarde pour voir mais rien. Juste obscurité. La bouteille sur des bouteilles de civière de pillules les compteurs en bas mais font ils travaillent vraiment ? Ou sont-ils juste des réassurances mentales par les médecins pour les médecins que juste peut-être juste peut-être ceci peut être traité? Toujours, je peux sentir tout mourant à l'intérieur. Figuratif. Avec émotion. Mentalement.

Pourquoi est-ce que je pleure? Pourquoi est-ce que je meurs quand je vous vois?

Je meurs juste pendant que les mots brouillent à l'intérieur de moi. Est-ce que c'est l'extrémité?

Est-ce que je mérite même le bonheur?

Aucun parce que je suis juste un monstre.

Ces mots ne semblent plus n'importe quel raisonnable et mon esprit fuzzing(fail) dans une tache floue des émotions que je peux plus ne décrire. Et tous je peux vous dire qu'est je suis désolé.

Beaux mots doux

to you

2009-08-24T06:27:22Z

I'm not who you think I am.

Don't want to think it over

2009-08-23T01:51:54Z

I've been trapped behind these metal bars and the soft cushion on the walls. Just let me count the seconds till it ends. A roaring thunder that echoes in the darkest of nights. I don't know who i am or what I've become, and I don't know what seperates me from you. Because these lines are blurring a hazy black and blue. You've got me cornered. Lights so intensely bright. Thrashing inside my mind I see you but you aren't really there. Never been there. I hear you cry in the middle of the night but those tears aren't really there. Thrashing inside my mind it's only about time. Sit. Sit in the seat clasping my hands tight. Stare at me. Stare at me I know you can hear me dying inside.

You've got me trapped. Cornered alive. I'm a prisoner of my own twisted wicked mind.

Stare at me. Stare at me i know you can hear me dying inside.

I'll be your own personal freak show tonight

masochistx3 @ 2009-03-04T19:39:00

2009-03-05T03:48:42Z

It burns in the back of my eyes. You always manage to make me feel at my highest but then crash me down all at the same time. How long does wanting you to want me last?

It bothers me because we both avoid each other because it's just so awkward just to speak to one another. We both see each other everyday but pretend to be strangers. Whatever happened to being friends? Our friendship of " I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens"? because i hold on to those words dear. because i do actually believe them. even though i know you do not.

Eyes pass each other in the halls. You see my bruised wrist and my cut up shoulder. i see you scowl but we are nothing but strangers right?

it is an empty feeling because i let you into my life. Knowing everything that i would usually keep to myself. but in the end i don't really know you right? in the end i don't really even know myself.

Don't play with me with your pretty little words honey. They cut deeper then you can ever imagine. But nevermind that

we're nothing but strangers now

undone

2009-01-30T05:12:05Z

I type but i'm not sure what I write. My words fumble and fall into my lap. Fall and break just like everything else. It was my choice my own fault. Even when we chose to do nothing it is still a choice. Still a choice that you made regardless if you did something or not. but that has nothing to do with you.

because i know i don't want to take this anymore. I feel the strands breaking the ties coming undone. Your words slipping through the cracks of my fingers.

Just like a huge open wound.

its dark and empty and there is no sound. None. the slamming of doors and the screams the crashing of glass. but i've learn to tune those out. Learn to tune everything out. there is no sound. but you wouldn't understand. The things that run through my mind how empty i feel inside. hollow.

but you wouldn't know you wouldn't understand. because everything that you believe in centers around you and the things that you say and the things that you do all benfit only one person. yourself. and it makes me realize how selfish you, me, everyone is.

but I don't blame you. because you know nothing. because the ignorance you allow yourself to portray hurts you more then it will ever hurt me.

because these words don't cut deep and the nightmares don't seem to frighten me just like a faceless murderer. just like my faceless murderer raping my innocence away, you know nothing.

Your pain only concerns you and the people you hold so dear. You think you know my pain. but no you don't. You will never realize will you?

Will you ever realize that i'm just am an empty monster?

hollow.

This is no city of hope and i want you to know.

You can't kill something that is already dead.

Lost time

2009-01-28T06:31:43Z

There is a time in your life were the words just don't seem right.

How empty the space is but you really never noticed before.

You don't notice the small dent in the wall until now.

but its all too late and you wish you could've known sooner.

but you didn't. and it breaks you down inside because you know

you can't make up for lost time.

I found some pictures.

2009-01-24T18:49:25Z

Well I found some pictures of me

:3

kohohoI look so pale :3

Can you tell my eyebrows are drawn on?

X3

Should i go back to this look?

My personal favorite kohoho

KOHOHO

fuck you microsoft word

[blank]

2009-01-23T06:38:25Z

Why is it thatit is so hard for people to just listen?

Why is it so hard for you just to shut the fuck up and hear what i have to say for once.

I'm no slave of yours and you have no right to treat me as one. You know nothing of me. Your own daughter and you the foolish whore knows nothing about me. You know nothing of the angry 16 years of abuse I've suffered. You know nothing of the pain of being locked up inside of your own room a prisioner of reality as well as your fantasies.

You are native to the fact that i've tried to kill my self more then 7 times. because my body refuses to let its self bleed empty. You have never been there for me when i was little you aren't here for me now. My silent tears I cry every night are hollow empty and emotionless because I lack it.

You not anyone knows how empty i feel inside How i've grown to raise myself and the trails i've faced alone.

No one knows of the scares that run through out my body. The cravings of weakness self inflicted and bloody.

No, no one knows of the knife i hide between my books how crude and rusted its grown with blood.

Because I am just all smiles during the day but locked up alone with one self you see me. The emotionally empty monster that eats its self.

You aren't there to see me sit with the school officals and theripist crying because they've found out.

Because everyone thinks they can fix me.

but none realize its all in vain.

because no one bothers to listen. No one bothers to hear because my voice is silent. voiceless.

I can never have any source of happiness. because i am not good enough.

because i am a freak. because i am an accident

The monsters that play under my bed at night as i lay. Know only of the tears and blood that has been split. silently in my room.
Only the walls ever so thin can hear my whisperes into the night hoping dreaming of a different life.

Yet I feel no disappointment. I feel nothing of the sort. Just pain.

Just pain.

I look and see my self in the mirror. Only wishing I knew who this person looking back at me was.

But it doesn't matter. because I am just like one of those monsters that play underneath my bed at night.

unable to feel anything. Empty. Emotionally scared by their own hands. Scared.

Say whaaa?!?!?!?

2009-01-11T20:58:42Z

Caducus Delitesco Ardororis roughly translates to The fallen one's love and is which i am going to use the new story I am writing for jaehoyoosumin chechecheyeahhh.

My microsoft still isn't working I am waiting for my Cds to get in the mail so I can change it and start writing it.

~~Currently I am at my friends house writing the story out which is really my first time writing a a sex scene and a rape scene. Kohoho my friends don't want to know what its about.~~

~~I say they are missing out~~

kohoho I have voiceless 11 mostly finished but I can't copy it and paste it to my journal because its locked.

tears tears.

quick update I plan to finish Chapter One by tonight edit it if possible and post it up.

Voiceless I just plan to retype it it onto my journal from the locked document and finish it on the journal.

Hell freaking yeah.

MY FANFICTION TO DO LIST DAMMIT and how i am going to add more color to my post

2009-01-05T06:28:23Z

Hello!
I'm so excited to continue writing~
So I've decided to write out my commitments for my writing (mostly Jaeho) and how i feel at the current moment thought this doesn't include the various other things i've written and have never posted LOL ~~BECAUSEIWANTTOOKAY?~~

Voiceless
     Wow, what can I say? This story is like my baby. My first Jaeho story ever and its one of those kinda things were you grow such an emotional attachment too. Because really, when you write your first serious story and it comes to an end and you've grown so close to it you just think of all the readers and all the laughs and snickering you did while writing it in math class ~~(personally guilty~~). then you think of the times you cried because damm writers block can suck it. Plus this is a story where you can see my writing improvement. ~~Seriously i look back at previous chapters and just go HOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCKWASITHINKINGWITHTHATGRAMMARANDSENTENCESTRUCTURE~~
     But maybe I'm growing to emotional here but i can't help it i guess because really, I have met some awesomely fantastic people from this story.

Fanfiction Gone Wrong
     KOHOHO the ~~loved~~ abused second child T_T I know I'm a~~n amazing~~ bad umma but this was orginally just a short story about what kind of fanfiction moments that could've happened that just ruin the moment. Basically my fluffy crack baby :) and I plan to pick this up to improve my funny bone. ~~because i'm just writing so much moody shit now these days i don't even want to post it up.~~

Memories
     Orginally this was just one of those write down whatevers story based on how you feel. I really didn't like it thought it was trash but thought hell i can't post Voiceless since the word is locked might as well write something on my journal and post because really you never really think someone is going to read it. and I like to say I'm pleasently surprised with the response though this isn't a tottally new idea kinda thing but what people said about it made me smile :)

There is a story i've done. A TykixLavi one holy maceral lol. another anime well, more like game paring i've done is RikuxSora and I've written a Naruto though i don't remember those because I didn't post them on livejournal but on Fanfiction.net instead but i rarely go on there.

I think livejournal is more friendlier :D

Up and Coming

KOHOHO ~~can you guys tell i like saying that now?~~ So there is a up and coming story i really really want to write and its going be pretty fucking awesome

First one is a plot bunny that i found and adopted off of Jaeho detox from jaehoyoosumin</span> and the basic plot is;

Jae Joong, who has become Happily engaged to his boyfriend of two years, is walking down the street. When suddenly, he finds he is attacked and raped! Next thing he knows he breaks off his engagement and moves away to start a new life. Where upon he falls for a new person who is actually his rapist, Jung Yunho. Jae Joong doesn't realize Yunho is his rapist and Yunho doesn't realize that Jae Joong is the man he actually attacked that one fateful night only thing he has is one of the ears the man was wearing. Who will find out first? Jae Joong? or will Yunho realize and confession? what will happen then?

kohoho! thats not the actual summary but man, it sounds so exciting i can't wait :DDDDD

Another plot bunnie i saw was by :insertnameherebecauseiforgottherinameandwilledititinwhenifindout:
where basiclly Yunho is fired by Sm because he is least liked and has poor leader skills in the eyes of the mangement. They find a replacement a huge muscular manly manly man who drives the group like dogs instead of people or bandmates. Sm makes the said replacement do fanservice with Jae Joong and Jae Joong hates it with a passion but the replacement doesn't because he wants Jae Joong

:D the person hasn't gotten back to me about it yet thought but the first one is a sure go and I have started planning some stuff out

BY THE WAY DOES ANYONE WANT TO DO A VALENTINE GIFT EXCHANGE WITH ME :D just let me know!~

D:< and you guys need to tell me your birthdays so I can send you something dammit! lol. :)

~~Who else here loves how I abuse font ablities?~~

on a side note I dyed my hair I will get pictures up soon!~

Revelation

2009-01-04T03:59:37Z

So I making mandu for lunch today when i realized all the things i've left undone and unsaid.

on the writing front

Voiceless (which i actually plan to end soon and start a new story cause those plot bunnies just love to rape my mind)
Fanfiction gone wrong ( HOLY FUCKING SHIT how long has it fucking been? this story has been left out in the cold and abused)

NOW TO MY FUCKING BITCH FIT

SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN.

I find it kind of strange. How i though i was always very expressive. but now that i look back. i'm not. i thought if i had a problem i would tell the person but to think about it

i bottle it up.

and i try not to think about it because i'm already on the break. there is times where i can't take it anymore i just break down and cry. and maybe i'm wrong to believe this. And i have those days where i look in the mirror and just want to break down because i look inside myself.

and i'm pretty fucking ugly

The world feels like its going to break down and suck me in to a dark black hole. and i oftten spend time in history just thinking of what could go wrong. and in the end everything is wrong.
and it scares me. to talk about it. to talk about feelings. because my emotional growth is very small. there are days, weeks, months where i feel nothing. and it scares me. i am so afraid to talk about my insecurites.
and there is this feeling inside me all the time that i let everyone down. that i don't belong. that i don't fit in. and no amount of happiness i have or had can change how i feel. and i see them trying to get me to come along and i feel empty. because i no longer feel that i don't belong i believe i don't. i know. everyone all the pain and still i cannot relate. and everyone has a fire within that keeps on going and everyday i can feel mine going out. there are days where i don't want to be here there are days, those days. and im angry inside. i am scared and i shut myself out from everyone else.

because i know the walls can hear things no one else can at night.

then i come to this revelation.
i need to remember to breath.

Memories

2009-01-04T02:39:13Z

Title: Memories
Authoress: Masochistx3
Rating:pg 13 to be safe
Length: Oneshot/drabble mindless writing till i fix my computer ~~and to tottally avoid doing my winter homework~~
Summary: Some are to be cherished forever others are meant and should be forgotten but regardless of it all they are still memories
Warning: Unbeta!

Disclaimer: NO I DON'T OWN THEM STOP RUBBING IT IN.
A.N. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO UNLOCK MICROSOFT WORD 2007 it won't let me edit copy paste save or do anything to Chapter 11 of Voiceless and it is making seriously depressed.
On a lighter note i thought of this while showering :D

Memories

It was an accident. You swear by it. You don't care who was there nor do you care who saw because in your mind it wasn't your fault. You have every right to be angry but you have no right to lash it out on others. You are the leader. You are the example and as much as it hurts you've learned to just bottle it all up.

He's gone. He has left and the firey pits of rage threaten to rise and burn those around you.

Because It was an accident and you have no one to blame but yourself.

-----

You remember talking to Jae Joong about when you were trainees. Struggling to constantly improve under the distainful watch of Lee Soo Min.

We wanted this you tell and you look at him with endearing eyes but he refuses to look at yours

He's tired and about to give it all up.

-----

It was three years ago when they told you, all of you, that DBSK was going to be no longer. At what you believed was going to be your last concert as a group at some point everyone cried.

After the show they torn you guys apart Changmin Junsu and Yoochun in one room You and Jae Joong in the other. Not allowed to talk to the others you give them a hopeful smile because you can only imagine what kind of beating they might give you tonight.

You sit in your chair excatly 3 cm apart from Jae Joong, who sits at the right of you, fidgeting and twitching you can hear him whisper

Yunho ahh I'm scared

You grab his hand and hold it tight and you tell him.

Everything is going to be okay. but deep down inside of yourself you aren't so sure.

-----

You fumble with the words and he stares cluelessly at you.

How the hell do you confess your undying love to such a beautiful person.

And your words become a slur and the emotions begin to rise up within you stiring up memories of when you two were trainees and you held each other tight to keep one anothe warm during the cold winter months.

He stands there in his apron the other three in the living room busily playing games and you go fuck it

and you smash your lips against his and a shock of electricy shoots between you two.

He smiles ever so secretly and and hugs you his words are muffled against your neck so you can only hear

You've always been better with action then words Yunnie ahh.

-----

In the hot pits of passion you thrust sweat drips down your body and you feel your very being begin to pulse against his. You two are so close. So close you almost taste it. he moans your name nails clawing at your back begging for more and your bodies begin to pound against one anothers.

You growl and you can't help but think that god sin never felt so good

You reach your climax and your seed pumps inside of him while his spew on you.
Collapsing right besides him you pull him in for an embrace nuzzling his hair ever so slightly.

You hope this can be Jae Joong and yours forever

-----

You never liked Se7en. Something about him made you angry for no reason. Maybe it was the fact that he was a sex crazed hound dog in your eyes. Or the fact that during the variety show he continuely winks and plays around with Jae Joong. So during the break of filming you see him slid up to the unexpecting Jae Joong trying to get his flirt on.

All hell breaks loose inside of you and you march your way over.

Yuri makes her way over to you but Mc Yoo stops her everyone can feel the anger roar off of you in dangerous lashful waves.

Se7en see you appourch and he has the damm nerve to touch your man.

When you reach the two your arms snake around Jae Joong's waist and you whisper dirty nothings to him in his ear as you play with is earlobe with your teeth. Sucking and tugging on one of the many percings Jae Joong squeals and excuses himself. Se7en flushed and embrassed finally gets the message and you lean back against the nearest wall. Arms crossed you smirk to yourself. Satisfied like a sated cat.

-----

It was a silly arguement. Really it was you reason with yourself. Because looking at Jae Joong in a plain white tank top and extremely fitting jeans laying lazily on your shared bed seducitively almost makes you loose control.

It was a silly arguement you reason to yourself. Maybe, you think, you can let Jae Joong have what he wants to eat for dinner

as long as you can have Jae Joong for dessert.

-----

You wake up dazed and tired. You remember taking a drink from a fan and your world began to spin. Blood, your own blood, was everywhere. The smell, that you have always hated, of sanitized hospital with a slight stench of death hung over in the air. You try to raise yourself up but you are so weak and fall helplessly down.

Then you turn your head and see Jae Joong sleeping. Tears streaked down his cheeks and you lift your hand to brush the few stray strands of hair away from his face.

and you settle to yourself

if you were to die you climb out of the pits of hell and come back just for Jae Joong or your name wasn't Jung Yunho.

-----

Its been years since Dong Bang Shin Ki has disbanded. You have reached a ripe old age and so has Jae Joong. Sitting on your pourch you hold hands. Its been a extremely graced and blessed 78 years for you.

You smile as Jae Joong's grip tightens. You two are dying of old age and you don't seem to mind because you know.

God you know that you swore to yourself all those years ago you protect the others as long as they lived and you did.

Yoochun and Junsu now dead are buried next to each other whislt changmin lays between Junsu and his own lover Keita.

Of old age you tell yourself and Jae Joong shoots you a look

Memories he tells you are everything you two have and all you two will ever need

And you two smile at one another you speak

Forever Dong Bang Shin Ki fighting!

and the night comes by and you lay on your bed as Jae Joong lays next to you.

You look at Jae Joong and you two hold hands and you speak your last I love yous because you know both of you won't see the daylight of tomorrow

Memories, everything you two have and all you two will ever need.

They are are apart of you some are to be cherished forever others are meant and should be forgotten but regardless of it all they are still memories

A.N First tiime i did a thing where its completely Yunho's point of view. Generally I do it from Jae Joong's or Junsu's but hell yeah!

Just some drabble infesting my mind fighting to find its way out. Comments are very much appericated!
~~who can tell i was tottally angsting to myself as i wrote this?~~

Voiceless Chapter 10

2008-12-21T21:53:34Z

Title: Voiceless
Author: masochistx3
Rating pg-13 to Nc-17
Pairing: main Jaeho minor Junchun jaechunfriendship
Summary: An outcast from his old school. Faced with a past known to the world. Softly ripping him apart inside Jae Joong hides his emotion within him as he faces new Realities as his emotions go out of control. Will there be someone to save him? Or will his mental state cause him to welcome death with open hands?
Disclaimer: I don't own them. not yet.. :D

If you care to know why i was dead look at my previous entry on my journal :)

Chapter Ten

Quick Authors note: Sorry for the formatting Live journal posting and formatting just does not want to work with me but regardless here is chapter ten and please review! they are very much loved :)

Jae Joong couldn’t lie the attraction was there and what he feared the most about it was he knew, and when it came to emotions he rarely knew, that he, Kim Jae Joong, would be forced to face his attraction head on. In a loosing battle against himself he knew the attraction would be there and would most likely be there until the end of his days.

Because Jae Joong doesn’t believe in an afterlife.

There have been nights where Jae Joong has laid in bed and pondered why, how his life has turned out the way it has. It had become boarder line ridiculous to him he thought. All the too many good and all the little but horrifying memories. He thinks maybe he shouldn’t hold such things so dear like his friends, his boss, what little family he had left. They would forget him and move on. They wouldn’t be haunted as he has been so for so long maybe too long.

But when Jae Joong gets to that part he smacks himself back to reality. Junsu, could he imagine? How forever heartbroken he would be because those memories of the hospital visit were still all too fresh in both of their minds and the tears never ending. Yoochun would have no one to confine to and he would return into the shell of bottled up emotions once again and to see Yoochun break down would break his own heart. Then Changmin, Who would cheer him on when he studied? To this Jae Joong’s mind would come up blank because no one would. Changmin’s parents cold and distant would look upon him disapproving and push him away because to them he was nothing but a child of disgrace. And no matter how selfish Jae Joong wished he could be. He couldn’t because they needed him as much and he needed them.

Then his mind would frizzle into static sounds and it would flutter to the subject of Yunho.

And where would it leave him? Them?

Because Jae Joong certainly doesn’t believe in a forever.

But Jae Joong stops there because it hurts way too much to think about how much or how little Yunho would hurt.

Jae Joong swung open the door and once inside with a handful of bags Jae Joong drops them on the counter. Taking this time to whip out his phone he dials as Yunho parks his car and brings the rest of the bags up. Jae Joong cringes internally as he waits for an answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey Chun.”

“Oh what’s up Jae?

“I was wondering if you and Junsu would be back in time for dinner”

“Say what?!? You actually stepped into that room? Wow Jae Joong, that’s pretty ballzy.”

Jae Joong snorts in response “well?” his words are coated with anticipation.

“Oh! Probably not I’m going to bring Su on a picnic at the park to see the fire work show tonight. Aren’t I so romantic? Come on Jae you can tell me!” Yoochun cooed.

“No Chun you aren’t. You’re as romantic as Changmin is never hungry.” Jae Joong snorts.

“Hey that hurts!”

“Anyways, I’m having Yunho over for dinner tonight and just wanted to know how much to make.” Jae Joong bit his lip there was a pause when suddenly

“Yunho… as in Jung Yunho?” Yoochun whispered. Slightly confused Jae Joong whispers back.

“Uh…yes”

“Oh…”

“Why are we whispering?”

“I just think its just an right time to do so. Doesn’t it make you feel like a ninja?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. Oh by the way I think Junsu has gone off the deep end.”

“What?”

“YUNHO!” Junsu could be heard wailing in the background.

Oh god what have I gotten myself into? Jae Joong thought to himself

“Give me the phone!” Junsu’s voice could be heard yelling out.

“Junsu! Calm don’t! I’m not giving you any phone you psycho!” Yoochun wailed back

The sounds of rustling and breaking glass could be heard and yelps and screams from different various voices could be heard out. Jae Joong was starting to believe that Junsu was really going off the deep end.

“Jae Joong ah! Jae Joong ah! Are- okay? Di- ? - guys doing?” Junsu shrieked

“I can’t understand you Junsu there is some static”

“WHAT IS WRONG?” Junsu wailed clearly through the static noise.

“What wrong? Your screaming is going to make my ears bleed!” Jae Joong cried

“Jae Joong could you help me pull? I’m stuck!” Yunho called out and before Jae Joong could respond Junsu yelled out

“What!?! STU-? OH MY GOD JAE - RE ARE CHILDREN IN THAT AREA! -AT -PE? ISN’T IT AGA-YOUR WILL? SHO-CALL -E JAE?!?!”

“Junsu!”

“Jae Joong! Why haven’t you arrived yet?” Yunho called out once again

Hitting his head against the wall he groaned out loud he was starting to think that Yunho was saying such things on purpose.

“ Wh-wh-what was that? Was th-! Oh my lord! Kim Jae Joong -orry! W-e you!”

“Junsu wai-“and Junsu hung up.

Hitting his head against the wall once more he sighed deciding it would be good to help Yunho with the bags.

“What was all the yelling about?” Yunho questioned handing Jae Joong some bags when he finally showed up.

“I was shooting rainbows out of my ass.” He gritted out in response.

Yunho raised his eyebrow in response “are you okay?”

“Peachy. Now let’s go before I smash the cartoon of eggs against your head.”

Jae Joong wasn’t sure how this began. In fact he just chose not to think about it. All of it seemed all too much to much for him to process at the moment but be sure he had a colorful choice of words for Yoochun when in fact if he ever returned home

“Never again” he muttered to himself as Yunho blissfully unaware set the table.

Flash Back

“ Come on Jae Let me help!” Yunho whinnied.

“No” Jae Joong responded flatly.

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t cook!” He growled in response.

“Oh yeah? With what proof?” The taller countered.

“Your own mother banned you from entering your own kitchen!” Jae Joong resorted.

“… I can’t believe you would stoop so low.”

“…”

“No”

“but-“

“Mother fucking Jung Yunho! I’ll let you do something if you just shut the fuck up!”

Grinning triumphly he made his way to wash his hands.

“So where do I begin?”

“Cut the meat about this big” Jae Joong demonstrated just adding maybe just a little more force then needed.

Yunho nodded in response.

The apartment grew silent only to be interrupted with the sounds of steel meeting wood. Although Yunho enjoyed silence, there was something wrong, something off with this. It was like an awkward pregnant pause that Yunho seemed only aware of. Jae Joong on the other hand seemed to busy angrily chopping the onion at super human speeds to care or notice. To Yunho it seemed Jae Joong’s mind was everywhere but here and if he were to try to reach out everything but nothing would be captured in his grip but air.

“So...” Yunho began keeping an effort to keep each piece of meat the same size.

“Why are you staying here?”

Yunho could’ve sworn he saw Jae Joong’s body begin to twitch. Sighing loudly to himself he keeps his gaze upon the half chopped onion blaming it on the tears welding up in his eyes.

“Not right now Yunho” he gritted out.

Then the room was engulfed in silence. He gave Jae Joong a hard stare as if to try to figure all of it out.

Yunho bit his lower lip “If not now, when? No matter how much you want to avoid this we need to talk about this eventually Boo Jae”

“ Don’t call me that.”

“Why not?”

“ Because your endearments mean nothing to me.”

Believe me Yunho this hurts me more then you’ll ever believe

“Jae Joong…”

“…” The grip on his knife tightened it seemed like nothing but he knew it was everything because he was pushing Yunho away because he blamed Yunho for nothing, because Yunho was the only thing in his life that didn’t seem real to him.

“Jae Joong.” Yunho’s voice seeming so empty so broken up inside Jae Joong could’ve died of guilt.

“…fine” he gave in.

Of all the things you are going to regret Jae Joong of all the things. Jae Joong spoke inwardly to himself.

“It’s a really long story but-“Jae Joong stopped the ringing of the door interrupted him. Excusing himself from an annoyed Yunho he walked slowly towards the door.

“Saved by the bell” he muttered to himself as he began to turn the knob he plastered on a false face only to be face with a gun.

Somewhere off in the distance with Yoochun and Junsu

“Jae Joong is going to get so mad when he finds out you called the police.” Yoochun spoke as he strolled down the shopping district with Junsu at his side.

“Psh” Junsu started. “Yunho and Jae Joong are going to go ape shit when they find out you started a YunJae fan club at school.”

Yoochun snorted an “as if” in response. Seeing a vendor that caught his eye he walked over while Junsu following in toe as his eyes were fascinated with the gleaming couple’s bracelets.

“Besides, Jae Joong won’t be mad at me when I return home.” Junsu continued

“Oh really? Why is that?” Yoochun spoke attention still glued to the set of bracelets on the top self.

“Because I used your name as my identification with the police” Junsu squealed as he ran off.

“Oh… WAIT... WHAT... GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE DOLPHIN BOY!” Yoochun yelled out chasing Junsu down the street.

It just seemed they were destined to be kicked out of another shopping district that day.

End of Flash back

“Are you still upset that they called the police?” Yunho asked as Jae Joong set the food on the table.

“Why yes I am! How can you not?”

Yunho laughed as he took his seat while Jae Joong began to serve some food for them. The room went silent.

Yunho inevitable question over took the air. Refusing to have eye contact Jae Joong played with his food in an effort to ignore Yunho.

“Jae” Yunho spoke breaking the silence

Oh here it comes Jae Joong thought

“As you were saying earlier before you were interrupted by the door”

“Huh? I don’t know what you are talking about?” Jae spoke promptly

“Yes you do!”

“I have no idea what you are talking about Yunho.” Jae Joong spoke before shoving a Changmin amount of food in his mouth.

“You were going to tell me about why you are here.”

“No”

“You were going to earlier! Why not now?”

“I had no intentions of telling you actually” throwing a glance towards Yunho Jae Joong scooted his chair away.

“…Jae Joong…” Yunho spoke slowly stabbing his vegetables he shoved his food in his mouth.

Silence engulfed them as they finished their meal. Slowly rising Jae Joong picked up their plates and brought it to the sink and rinsed them. Walking out of the kitchen Jae Joong spotted Yunho Sitting on the couch staring at the blank television in deep thought.

Leaning against the wall he waited patiently for the other to notice his presence in the room. Jae Joong’s legs were starting to get tired by the time Yunho spoke.

“You know Jae Joong it has been a really long time.” Yunho looked up making eye contact.

The sight before him scared him perhaps the lack of dept and soul in them made vision flash before him. The all too horrifying memories always knew when to resurface.

Her head flopped down on the ground as the blood flowed down upon his head. It began to eerily smile at him as the life and soul was drained from her eyes.

Jae Joong shuttered silently as he sat next to Yunho.

His body was cold.

“Do you believe in a forever?”

Frowning to himself Jae Joong turned slightly to face Yunho. The sinking feeling of emptiness radiated off of him. Jae Joong began to feel at unease as the room seemed to feel like it was getting smaller and smaller by the minute.

“Do you think forever can last?”

Jae Joong stared his stomach lurched forward in anticipation.

“I’m not sure Yunho.”

“It’s an empty feeling that settles in your stomach to know you’ll be alone forever don’t you think?” Jae Joong grip in the couch tightens because he knows that feeling all to well.

“Do you trust me Jae?”

“Yunho…” biting his lip he sucked in the air as Yunho’s gaze continued to focus on T.V.

“Because you don’t tell me anything”

“Yunho listen” Yunho turns to Jae Joong and stares

“No Jae Joong listen.” Yunho’s voice is on the verge of being desperate then Jae Joong stares back and he can’t help that maybe just maybe Yunho hurts too. And something in Jae Joong just breaks and he can’t help but remember all the distant memories he locked up so tight. Memories that brought back a flood of emotion that makes him so numb. He can’t help but wonder how Yunho hurts to.

“There have been nights where I try to think how I could’ve gone so wrong. How I could’ve been seduced by the Siren’s stare.” Yunho stops and Jae Joong Can’t help but think his heart has stopped beating.

Yunho’s Fist curled up in such a tight ball something builds up inside of Jae Joong and he gets scared because he isn’t sure what it is that grows inside of them.

Yunho laughs to himself almost to himself as if to convince himself.

“I didn’t know what attracted me to you in the first place.” He smiles bitterly

“Do you still want this? Because I’m not as perfect as everyone makes me seem. I am no god of the school. I am no man on top of this world. I’m just another simple person at the end of the day that has to suck up their pain and hide it from the rest of the world and then start all over again the next day.” Yunho breaths, slowly, almost annoyingly because even though Jae Joong doesn’t care about what others think Yunho does because he has an image to uphold. An image he could almost care less for if it wasn’t for the fact that everything ridded on it.

Yunho turns to face Jae Joong but he doesn’t dare to look in his eyes because all the pain in Yunho’s eyes are all too much of a reminder of his own. All too much to take in and handle and Jae Joong just wants to hold Yunho and tell him it is going to be okay, but he can’t. He knows it isn’t and that’s the worst part of it all.

“Jae Joong do you believe in forever”

“I wish I did Yunho I wish I did” Yunho begins to stroke Jae Joong’s cheek ever so lovingly and all he wants to do nothing more but to break down and cry. Everything just seems all too wrong in their world and both of them felt so useless.

Jae Joong doesn’t believe in forever nor does he believe in an afterlife. But Jae Joong does believe that the pain can only last for so long before you lose yourself in it.

Silence creeps upon them once again as Jae Joong rests his head upon Yunho’s shoulder.

These were the kinds of moments when he began to ponder what would life be like if he were to die that very second. He would shift through everything and everyone reactions and they would be dead on accurate until he came to Yunho. His mind would frizzle into static and shocks of electricity would run up and down his body. At that point he would stop because he wasn’t sure how much or how little Yunho would hurt.

Yoochun laid next to Junsu the younger of the two resting on the elders shoulder.

Fireworks lighted up the sky and the grass slightly damp from the sprinkle of rain from earlier that night. Rubbing his eyes, Junsu yawned as he snuggled up to Yoochun for warmth as a slight breeze blew through the park.

“I’m worried” Junsu murmured into Yoochun’s chest. The older agreed.

“What do you think they are doing?” Junsu questioned.

Moving to embrace the young man Yoochun nuzzled his nose into the unstyled hair. Smelling slightly of fresh linen and light perspiration he squeezed Junsu tight.

“They’ll be fine. Jae Joong has his teaser if anything happens.” He smiles into Junsu’s hair.

Junsu was silent his slight worries subsided for only a second and his stomach growled. Licking his lips he grinned

“PUDDING” the couple laughed as they headed over to the store to feed Junsu’s craving but the worry always seemed to be there and nothing could feed it to make it go away.

Yunho played with Jae Joong’s hair as Jae Joong absent mindedly played with the hem of his black and white tank top.

“What are you thinking about?” Yunho asked the blond strands of hair, feeling like silk between his fingers, slipped from his grip.

“Things.” Jae Joong responded.

Pouting slightly he prompted Jae Joong by asking once again only to have the same response.

Jae Joong was tired, after having such an emotional conversation earlier that night, he just wanted to sleep. His eyes began to droop and Yunho’s body warmth to his side seemed all to tempting but when Yunho rose he was prompted out of his daze. Whining to himself he saw Yunho reach for his coat.

“Are you leaving?” Jae Joong rose

“I feel like going on a walk. Care to join?” Stretching Jae Joong grabbed his own jacket and slipped on his boots.

And they went out into the evening’s darkness.

“Holy shit its cold!” Jae Joong grumbled as they traveled through the park.

Yunho laughed as he walked slightly in front “We’re almost to our destination!” he called out as he began to pick up the pace.

They walked through some trees and a dirt path to a slight hill. Climbing upward Jae Joong still grumbled to himself as Yunho seemed a bit too enthusiastic.

“Almost to our destination my ass” Jae Joong snorted

You said that thirty minutes ago fool! Jae Joong thought to himself angrily.

Finally reaching the top Jae Joong continually blew his hot breath on his hands. After seeing how cold Jae Joong was Yunho embraced him snaking his long lean arms around Jae Joong’s petit waist.

Jae Joong tensed but welcomed the warmth as Yunho wrapped his coat around both of them. Jae Joong eventually relaxed unwillingly as Yunho nuzzled his nose in the crook of his neck. Jae Joong was desperate for any warmth at this point and didn’t really care where it came from now. The wind picked up slightly blowing in some rain clouds. Yunho’s grip tightens afraid lightening might strike.

“Do you remember Jae Joong?” Yunho’s voice deepened slightly husky against the shell of his ear.

Jae Joong’s face half imprinted into the taller ones chest muffled out

“What are you talking about it?” He was determined to get all the body heat he could get.

“Remember when we saw the stars?”

Jae Joong squeezed his eyes shut.

“Do you see those stars Jae Joong?” Once again questioning me.

“Yes.” I quickly respond. His embraced tightened I can feel his nervousness. Maybe his fear as his body softly shakes. Rotating my body I faced him as he began.

“I need to know Jae Joong if you want this.” Emotion filled his eyes.

“I want this.” I stated my arms wrapping around his neck I leaned my forehead against his.

“I want this Yunho. I truly do.” I stared at his solemn expression as his eyes softly drifted shut.

“The stars resemble how I feel for you. I’ll love you until the stars grow dull and old and disappear into the never ending darkness.” Not opening his eyes he tilted his head his lips brushing against mine once and once over again until firmly pressing his lips against mine.

Nodding a yes Jae Joong could feel Yunho’s warmth leave him. Wanting to desperately hold on Jae Joong pulled on to Yunho’s overly warm coat. But Yunho pulled away only enough for them to see one another’s face. Now seeing the male’s melancholy smile his hands went behind his neck. Jae Joong completely confused let Yunho do as he wish.

Yunho’s fingers fumbled to hook the chains together. Taking a couple of minutes to link them his hands were becoming cold. Once finished Yunho smiled in triumph.

Jae Joong in return looked down at the necklace now hanging from his neck. The silver angel glistened in the moonlight as its wings spread wide out sparkled. It seemed as if the angel was kneeling arms held out to the sky its tears crystallized. Light scratches marked it and the tip of the wing was slightly shaved off. Light cracks plagued it as if to tell a story.

“It belonged to my father, who gave it to my mother. It is a tradition to give it to those we love. My mother gave it to me after his death. Now I want you to have it.” Yunho kissed Jae Joong’s forehead lightly almost afraid of rejection.

Taken back in surprised Jae Joong held the angel in his hands. Pulled back in the embraced he was surrounded by warmth and Yunho’s slightly musky green tea scent. Something bubbled inside him as Yunho’s slightly frozen hand cupped his flushed cheek. Lowering his face their lips were just centimeters apart. Feeling one another’s hot breath their eyes fluttered closed. Their lips ghostly brushed up against one another’s until…

“SCORE ONE FOR TEAM YUNJAE!” Yoochun yelled out leaping out from behind the tree. He began his victory dance as Jae Joong and Yunho’s eyes shot open. Turning sharply to him face him Junsu and Changmin jumped out too.

“Aish! Why are you so stupid?” Junsu wailed

“Hyung~ why do you always have to ruin everything?” Changmin whinnied

“YOU ARE A FAIL” they both yelled out.

Jae Joong grinned feeling Yunho squeeze him slightly they made their way down the hill as the wind began to pick up once more.

“Ya! YOU THREE ARE DEAD WHEN I FUCKING GET TO YOU!” Jae Joong yelled out waving his frozen fist at them as he made his way over.

Yunho laughed to himself following Jae Joong towards the cowering triple.

“Guess what?” Yoochun chimed as he and Jae Joong walked to school.

“What?” Jae Joong grunted adjusting his scarf around his neck.

“It’s cold.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Jae Joong growled punching Yoochun in the arm he picked up his pace.

Jae Joong could’ve swore on one of the coldest days of the year Yoochun’s car just had to break the fuck down.

“What do you mean it won’t start!” Yoochun cried

“It. Will. Not. Fucking. Turn. The .Fuck. On! So stop asking the same fucking question like my answer is going to fucking change!” Jae Joong growled

Remembering the violent harassment from last night from Jae Joong and Junsu at the same time (because when they team up JaeSu are freaking invincible ninjas) he promptly shut up. Pulling his keys out of the car he followed the already walking Jae Joong down the side walk.

It was just his luck but at least Yoochun was with him to suffer along.

Licking his chapped lips once the school was in sight they both began to run towards the building. Never in his life had Jae Joong thought he be glad to be at school

It must be a miracle he thought to himself. Spotting Changmin, Junsu, and Yunho in the parking lot the two friends began to race.

As they approached the small group of boys Jae Joong sly made his way behind Junsu. Once at his target he proceeded to physically harass the younger teen with a vengeance.

“Aish Jae Joong! Where did you learn to run so fast?” Yoochun panted out finally catching up.

“You are just out of shape” the slimmer one snorted out playfully sticking his tongue out.

“You might want to stick that back in your mouth or Yunho might be tempted to suck on it” Yoochun snickered to himself

“What did you just say?” Junsu asked perplexed

“Nothing”

“Hurry up chicken butt!” Jae Joong yelled out.

Laughing, Jae Joong began to walk next to Yunho towards the gates of the school as Yoochun was uncharacteristically walking slowly behind Junsu and Changmin. With a glint in his eyes the man began to chuckle to himself. As the unsuspecting couple pushed their way through the gates Jae Joong and Yunho were be barged by screaming fangirls and flashes of light. Some girls taking pictures others held signs yelling

“YunJae! YunJae! YunJae HWAITING!”

Yunho instinctively went and embraced Jae Joong. Protecting the slimmer teen in his arms from danger resulted in higher pitched screams and cameras being whipped out of nowhere blinding both teens temporarily.

Upon where Yoochun stepped up in front of them and ordered the girls to hold down he successfully pushed the girls a safe away distance easily (a little too easily Yunho noted) for the couple to feel safe.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” Jae Joong hissed in Yunho’s arms as Yunho’s eyes sharpened into a glare and began to growl dangerously.

Yoochun put on his million dollar smile and faced the couple. As if he had prepared for this moment to happen. He took a couple steps away he stretched his arms out to emphasize the girls. Junsu and Changmin were on the side lines watching amusingly. Knowing full well of Jae Joong’s killer moves they did not want to be harmed in the aftermath.

“This is the official YunJae fan club!” Yoochun exclaimed.

“Oh really?” Yunho spoke his grip on Jae Joong tightening slightly. Causing the manic fangirls to squeal.

“Yup!” Yoochun chirped

“It was his fault!” Junsu yelled from besides the tree

“He planned this!” Changmin spoke his mouth filled with food.

“We are totally innocent! He planed this!” Junsu wailed.

“Seriously! He forced this upon us!” Changmin continued after swallowing his food.

Pulling out of Yunho’s hug Jae Joong stepped forward in Yoochun’s direction.

“Wait what are you guys saying?” he questioned looking at Junsu for an answer.

“Yoochun started the club!” Junsu yelled out stepping behind the tree he dragged Changmin with him for protection.

Jae Joong head sharply turned towards Yoochun his blond bangs covering his eyes and aura of danger engulfed Yoochun and Jae Joong’s fists tighten as he smiled menacingly. Taking this as his cue he started to run.

“PARK FUCKING YOOCHUN!” Jae Joong yelled out following the man.

The rest of the morning resulted in screams of agony coming from the school playboy, but no one paid any attention to them. The majority of the school liked having their heads connected to their bodies.

“Finally free” the older man hollered as he walked out of the quickie mart. Heading down the dark alley he climbed a flight of fire escape stairs and slid into his sister’s apartment window. He, covered in filth, threw a beer to his sister, who was on her fourth cigarette.

Licking his lips he opened a bottle of his own and settled down on the equally filthy and ancient sofa. He kicked his feet upon the broken wooden table as a scorched family portrait hung above the barely working T.V. The women flicked the cigarette at the picture as she drank her own beer they settled in silence. Once out in her sleep the man shifted to pick up a syringe. Wrapping his arm with a band to constrict blood flow he searched for a vein. Once his goal was achieved he poked the needle in releasing the contents into his body. He sighed in content as he laid back on his sofa relaxing into his high.

“What are you doing?” a female voice called in the dark of the room she stepped out.

“You know you must be careful on sneaking up on people like that ma’am . You might be killed.” The odor of death plagued the air invading the guest’s nose.

“Just tell me the fuck you are doing!” she hissed.

“I just got out! Can’t cha give a guy a break pretty?” the man licked his lips again rubbing against his scruffy beard he smiled.

The women sneered at him “I didn’t waste all that money for you to just fuck around. If you want to waste my time I’ll just throw you back in.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa missy! Prison isn’t a place for a good looking guy like me to be in. Besides these things take a great deal of time and planning. You just can’t expect me to do it right after I get out! Those stupid cops will be suspicious.”

“Just hurry the fuck up and get it done and you’ll get the rest of your money. You know what? I think you don’t even have a plan. I should just call the cops and throw you back into the shithole you deserve.” The woman spat

“Hold on there little lady! No need to get your panties in a bunch. It’s not like I just can go out and hunt down my son anyways! I don’t even know where he is at.” He spoke pulling another beer from the bag he proceeded to open it.

“Besides, there is a technique to these kinds of things. It takes time to learn don’t you know? A whole ritual must be placed forth for this to work. Why don’t you sit down here and I’ll show you.” Wiping his mouth on his sleeve he looked at the woman seductively.

“No I have better things to do.” She glared.

“I’ll find out where he is and I want you to get him out of the way do you understand?” she continued

“Of course! Of course! But may I ask to why do you want my son, Jae Joong, by the way?”

“It fulfills my wishes and it will fulfill yours. We both get what we want. You get your revenge and money for your disgusting addictions and I get the man I always wanted.” Her glared harden

“Enough of this I’m leaving. I’ll send you a message with his whereabouts by my people when I find out. By the next time we meet I expect a significant amount progress.”

“Of course! Now on your way, I hate to keep you from your priorities!” the man’s grins widen displaying his yellow teeth. The women left huffing to herself but before she could slam the door shut the man called out.

“Bye, bye Hyo Jin! I would be careful if I were you! You don’t know what monsters lurk in the shadows.” And he began to howl in a dark laughter.

A.n dead internet+too much time = this! :D this chapter is a new record 16 pages baby 16 Remember Comments are love!

I AM NOT DEAD (this post is uncharactistically colorful)

2008-12-21T08:53:42Z

MY INTERNET WAS BEING A BONER BUST AND WAS NOT WORKING

but now it is

and its awesome times a billions

My uncle in the Navy seals came back today. He will be spending christmas with us :)

by the way Readers of Voiceless ~~since I haven't been on for three months~~ I have already chapter 10 finished and I just wanted you to know that I have merged chapters 10 and 11 into one to make up for lost time !!!

All i have left to do is my grammar and spelling thang and its all good for tomorrow :D

has anyone seen dbsk's wrong number

Yunho's tub scene ~~made me go a ga ga googley eyes it was border line ridiculous~~ was kinda ~~really fucking~~ hot.

Jae Joong's rap scene ho ho ho! makes me so proud of Jae!

Anyone else have this nagging feeling you forgot to by someone a gift for Christmas?

on a ~~big~~ small side note:

sakura_tears you have been a really great reader and I am sorry I have failed you so i hope you don't hate me for having to wait to read D:

ANIME LOS ANGELES IN TWO WEEKS FUCK ME NOW I AM NOT DONE WITH MY COSPLAY

~~it is sad that i've been on livejournal for three years now and still have issues with doing the lj cuts? HAHAHAHA fail.~~

Don't you just love how i still abuse font abilities?

I FEEL LIKE I AM MISSING SOMETHING!

nope i don't believe so. <3

:) with love.

dude

2008-09-09T03:18:55Z

MY MOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY IS SUNDAY OMG i can't wait to go to little tokyo saturday to celebrate

EPIC.

haha

just wanted to say

~~EXPECT A JAEHO UPDATE FRIDAY NIGHT OR SATURDAY MORNING TO EVERYONE OR ANYONE WHO CARES.~~

~~who wants to get on my ass to write?~~

WHAT?

2008-08-26T22:40:18Z

I FINALLY HAVE UNLIMITED TEXTING. OZMG BRAIN MELT

~~who wants to text and no i'm not some bait for pedos!~~

I went at 6:30 am to pick up my sched. for school ozmg I got the art teacher that can't draw the math teacher that can't teach and the crazy old english teacher

fuck.

but regardless it was nice seeing old friends today

sjklafjsakmustupdatevoicelessfjlkajsfdklajsdkl

beta reader

2008-08-24T02:09:50Z

OH MY GOD I need a beta reader because my eyes freaking burn reading this tiny ass font because I don't want my family to read Voiceless while standing behind me.

I roll that way and omg I have a slight fever and I don't know whats worse. Having a fever or having a fever in the summer and then going the beach while having said fever.

epic I tell you EPIC

~~who wants to go jogging with me tomorrow morning?~~

Voiceless 9

2008-08-23T06:54:36Z

Title: Voiceless
Author: masochistx3
Rating pg-13 to Nc-17
Pairing: main Jaeho minor Junchun jaechunfriendship
Summary: An outcast from his old school. Faced wiht a past known to the world. Softly ripping him apart inside jae Joong hides his emotion within him as he faces new Realities as his emotions go out of control. Will there be someone to save him? Or will his mental state cause him to welcome death with open hands?
Disclaimer: I don't own them. not yet.. :D
A.n: OZMG :brain melt: I haven't updated in forever. I hope I am still remembered :) chapter 1-8 have been posted in my livejournal and i'm sorry forgive me. ::gets attack::

ONWARD!

Chapter 9

It was a quite place nothing ever happened at Jae Joong's work. Though it was a wonderful bookstore, no doubt about it, but after a while it got boring. Reading all the cooking books on his free time, while the costumers where too busy reading, could only entertain you for so long. The only real reason he stayed and not moved to work as an assistant cheif part time in a resturant was because his boss was amazing. Always full of humor, always caring and the most unjudgemental person he knew. Jae Joong loved talking to the older man. He reminded him of his grandfather, the one he really wanted to visit but could not afford to. Sighing he walked around asking any costumers for any help. Jae Joong made his way back to the romance section knowing his boss would be there trying to hit on any girl or reading cheesey romance novels trying get pick up lines.

" Kim Jong ishh~ You got a new pack-" Jae Joong stopped mid sentence it wasn't his boss it was Yunho. Jae Joong froze as Yunho turned around and made eye contact it felt like forever staring into one another eyes. When finally, Yunho made the first move.

" Jae Joong can we talk?" Yunho took a step forward Jae Joong refusing to look in his eyes looked down.

Jae Joong took a step back " I.. we... there isn't anything to talk about."

" Jae Joong, please, I know what happ-" Jae Joong sprinted out to the back room cutting Yunho off. His heart was pounding then he started to break into a cold sweat. Jae Joong's fathers words crept in his mind

I know happened boy! You good for nothing! Just fucking die! his father hissed in his mind

he knows, he knows he thought

" Jae Joong ah! You don't look good!" Kim Jong walked in looking at the painfully hunched over Jae Joong

" I'll be okay!" Jae Joong put on an unconvincing smile

"No! go home you look as if you are gonna faint!" The man exclaiming knowing full well that the young employ was going through a lot of stress.

"But-"

" No buts! You don't have one bigg enough!" the man joked

Jae Joong smiled smiling slightly he hugged the man and gave him thanks and left through the back door. Once out he walked slowly.

" Jae Joong ah!" Jae Joong turned around instictively to see Yunho running towards him. Jae Joong panic he took several deep breathes before run off hearing Yunho yell in the far distance.

" You can't run away forever!" Jae Joong ran. Once again the thought of his father's words started raping his mind
You can't run away forever boy! I'll find you! You and your whore of a mother!

He didn't know when he lost Yunho but all he knew was he needed to make it home.

At the Apartment

Jae Joong threw the door open feeling as if he just ran a marathon. He made his way towards the table a sticky note stuck on a picture of Junsu. A picture of baby Junsu. Jae Joong rose his eyebrow not wanting to know the sick twisted fantasy behind it. Taking the sticky note he read it

Ay Jae! I'm going to go out with Junsu!
I'll call you when I get the chance~
Take care I'll be back later. Don't get into any trouble!
Be safe! Dont' eat anything from the kitchen...
I'm serious.
Yoochun chaaaa!

Jae Joong ingored the sorry excuse of a drawing of him and decided to take a quick shower. Streching he made his way to the kitchen or what he hoped was the kitchen. It was hard to tell with all the to go cartons around and the pots, pans, dishes, and silverware collecting dust. Walking towards the refridgorator he opened to find it empty.

Oh geez I have my work cut out for me he thought.

He made his way to the sink washing and rising the dishes he left them on the drying rack. Then putting on some gloves he began to throw all the cartons out and wiped down the counters and saw the stove.

Its really nice

Jae Joong stared in amazement it had never been touched knowing Yoochun. Once the dishes where dry he opened the cabinets to put them away only to have a pile of take out menus fall on his head. Grumbling he put the dishes in and hid the menus under the couch seat only to find some dirty magazines. Groaning to himself he decided to walk out to buy some groceries to cook for later.

Once out on the street he walked several blocks down to the store. Taking a basket he made his way around the store picking up things as he walked through the isles.

" Hmm... maybe Junsu is going to come over tonight." He spoke to himself as he browsed the meat department. He got enough food for a week.

Now strolling down the dairy section he spotted Yunho picking up a carton of milk. Swiftly turn back, he made way to the hallway between the meat and dairy to hide. Putting his basket next to him he sighed. Leaning against the wall it was a long day, and he thanked the heavens that it was Friday. Several minutes passed and thinking it was safe he was going to go but noticed his shoes where untied. Quickly tying them he got up slowly only to feel his shoulders pushed back into the wall as he rose. He looked up to see Yunho. Sturggling under the older teens vice grip Jae Joong's anger started to slowly rise.

" Let go of me asshole" Jae Joong hissed Yunho's grip losen slightly but it still wasn't enough for him to escape.

" Why won't you talk to me?" Using his legs he held the lower part of Jae Joong down. Using his free hand to grab Jae Joong's chin to face him.

" Oh I wonder why?!" He gritted out sarcasticly

" Jae, listen, she doesn't mean anything to me like yo-"

" Like hell she doesn't! Right Yunho? Right? I mean nothing to you just like she means nothing to you."

"Jae-"

"No.." Jae joong cut him off once again

"Thats why you sent Yoochun right? Please! Don't give me that look! God fucking forbid you being a fucking decent person Jung."
The words cut deep and Yunho winced at the words unsure how to react he took him a minute for everything to sink in

" What can I do to make it up to you. To prove to you how much you mean to me." Jae Joong sneered at Yunho's words.

" NOTHING! You can't prove something when there is no proof. You're nothing be a selfish heartless bastard. I can't believe I thought you cared. That you actually fucking cared for me." Glaring he looked straight into Yunhos eye's. He was tired of this and so was Yunho he could tell his eyes were red and puff as if he was crying. Maybe it was his imagination but it seemed that Yunho's eyes looked a bit empty and Jae Joong felt a tingle of guilt.

Yunho stared at him with a look in his eyes Jae Joong didn't like. Leaning in slightly his lips brushed against Jae Joong's before adding some presure lovingly.

It was soft and gentle and Jae Joong didn't know what to do. Yunho pulled back slightly.

" I'm sorry." He leaned in and kissed again and repeated it several times before they heard a cough.

Looking up Hyo Jin stared at them awkwardly.

" Yunho?" she spoke taking a step forward.

" Ahh~ What are you doing here Hyo Jin nuna?" Yunho questioned, putting an emphasise on nuna, pulling Jae Joong close.

" I should be asking you the same." she smiled towards Yunho

" Usually normal couples don't make out in stores between the meat and diary section" She continued glaring slightly at Jae Joong. Yunho forced his laugh as Jae Joong looked away.

Like she knows what normal is Jae Joong thought.

" Well, we should get going" Jae Joong wasn't sure who was saying it. Hyo Jin did sound pretty manly to him but, he was pulled out of his thoughts when Yunho picked up his basket and grabbed his hand.

" See you some other time" she called out trying to glare a hole in Jae Joong's back. Jae Joong snorted loudly in response making sure she could hear.

Once far enough Yunho looked at him.
" Is this all you need?" Jae Joong sighed

" Yes"

"Then lets go to check out" Yunho began to lead Jae Joong forward

"This doesn''t mean you are forgiven" He look at Yunho and Yunho looked back smiling slightly.

"I know"

Once they made it to the cashier Yunho paid much to Jae Joong's protest but it seemed to go unheard as the female cashier was too busy gaping at Yunho smiling he took the bags. Draging Jae Joong towards his car he spoke

" Where do you live again?"

shit

As Yunho pulled Jae Joong along as he tried to pull away in response. Reluctantly Yunho stopped walking forward.

" Whats wrong?" Raising his eyebrows at the shorter teen's actions.

" Ahh, you see I don't live with my aunt anymore" Jae Joong tried to pull away Yunho's snake like grip.

I bet if he tried he could break my wrist

" Oh? Where do you live now then?" Yunho questioned.

"Well you see ump-" Yunho pushed Jae Joong in the passenger seat as he put the bags in the trunk then going in the drivers seat locking the doors.

Shit I'm trapped

" Go on" he said smiling

"Uh... you see, haha, I'm living with ah~ yoochun" Jae Joong sat still in his seat unsure of what to do.

Yunho froze his body tensed for a second then suddenly relaxed. He took a deep breath

" Buckle your seat belt" there was a hint of preditory feeling oozing from his voice and Jae Joong did as he was instructed then stared out through the window. Yunho started the car but they did not move Jae Joong looked over and Yunho was staring at him.

" Are you trying to make me jealous?" Yunho finally asked.

" No! What the hell would I do that for?"

" Because you want to make me jealous!"

" I'm not that type! If I really wanted to do something to you I would've punched your face in already!" he gritted out

" You're crazy! You couldn't punch my face in!!" Yunho faught back

" Oh I so could rich boy!"

" Is that all you could come up with!"

" OH YEAH!?!?!?! If I wanted to make you so jealous Mr. Jung" Jae Joong mocked as he continued " I would've gone out on that date Se7en asked me to go to!"

" HAHAHAHA! You're kidding me! I know what you're trying to do by getting Yoochun into this! Trying to make me jealous!"

" Me?! The hell is wrong with you? I never got yoochun into this! You did when you sent him over. You weren't there to see me break down! you where doing gods knows what you little shit head" Jae joong fumed he threw himself in his seat sulking out the window.

" I don't know why you are getting all defensive for Jae Joong."

Jae Joong's jaw dropped "Just shut the fuck up and drive"

Yunho started towards Yoochun's apartment.

A couple minutes later Jae Joong spoke

" I was not trying to make you jealous."

" I know and you are right. I'm sorry" Yunho said glancing for a second towards Jae Joong he grabbed his hand and squeezed it before returning it to the stiring wheel.

Jae Joong pursed his lips together and crossed his arms still a little angry he sighed in self defeat.

" Stay for the night I'll make you dinner and we can talk about this" Yunho smiled

A.n I'm so bad I don't update but I have the begining for chapter 10 thought out in my head. ~~I really need someone to get on my ass about this problem of not updating.~~ Comments are love! ~~and so are jaeho babies~~ :D

Voiceless 5-8

2008-08-23T04:21:27Z

Title: Voiceless
Author: Masochistx3
Rating: pg-13 to Nc-17
Pairing: Main Jaeho minor Junchun and jaechunfriendship
Summary: An outcast from his old school. Faced with a past known to the world. Softly ripping him apart inside Jae Joong hides his emotion within him as he faces new realities as his emotions go out of control. Will there be someone to save him? Or will he welcome death with open hands? ( OMZGhaha)

AN i'm a bad person don't kill me! D:

Chapter 5
Junsu POV

Time: 7:21 pm
Date: its still the same day! Freaking cold!
Mood: curious

Dear my fellow livejournalers once again.

Jae Joong and Yunho held hands! I wonder what else they did! OH maybe that’s why they took so bloody long! Well after they entered Yoochun and I scrambled to our seats well more like I kicked his flat butt there. BUT STILL! Everything was rather peaceful as Yoochun and I went to go look for books on soccer! YAY! Yes! Anyways we ended up in a corner me facing him as he voiced another apology his soft pink lips forming words that I couldn’t quiet hear. He merely stopped and stared at me. Our faces came closer and closer just a ½ an inch apart I could tell he could feel my breath against his. I saw his eyes close as well as mine. Sliding into the darkness I offered him the warmth of my tongue. UNTIL yup YUNHO YOU RUIN EVERYTHING TOO! BTW The protests of Jae Joong could be heard as Yunho dragged him out look furious with anger. Being the amazingly great friend that I am I go and check if Jae Joong is going to be okay insisting Yunho that whatever Jae Joong did Yunho still getting some ass tonight.

Of course I got hit in the head because of that and then I can see “se7en” smirking his little wise ass off. Stupid little manwhore go work on harbor! I knew Yunho and Yoochun hated him. Poor Jae Joong his life is like a Drama. Will he ever find his true love?

Signing off of live journal I rethink of what had happen. Curious I begin to wonder how Yoochuns lips would feel against mine.
--Yunho POV—

Sighing loudly I stare at his back as he stares onto the world outside window. For the one millionth time I replay what had happened in the restroom

Flash back to Library

“ What do you think of your past?” I knew it was a stupid question to ask

His wide eyes staring at me questioningly I reach out for his hand placing mine softly on top of his reassuring him it will be okay.

He looked down towards his lap his bangs covering his eyes as he began

“ I don’t believe it is a burden. It is apart of who I am. What happened all those years ago still hurts me now. I am looked upon as a freak another outcast to bully away. You get so used to it you become numb.”

Tears streaked down his face eagerly grabbing the scissors and mumbling something about needing to use the restroom.

Patiently I wait as the minutes go by and the clock ticks time away.

Soon 5 minutes come then 10 then to 20

Slowly moving towards the door of the restroom I can hear faint cries and sobs. Silently I slide in checking every stall for Jae Joong.

Finally upon the last stall on the ground could be little droplets of blood.

“ Jae Joong?” I whisper into the door

“ Fuck off!” His words sharply cutting me like a knife

“ Jae Joong. Open the door” I didn’t expect him to open the door. Nor did I expect to see him cutting open his pale flesh with the cold sharp silver blade of the scissor.

He was giving himself a slow suicide. Reaching out for him he trembled against my touch. Did I do something wrong?

I can hear the door open tilting my head to see who it was my eyes sharpen.

Se7en. Little bastard.

“ Awe Yunho what did you do to the little tramp.”

“ Fuck off before you make me so something that’ll make you regret being born.” I hissed at him as I pulled Jae Joong close to me. Burring his head into my chest as if to hide from the world.

“ Jae Joong ah. Don’t hang out with Yunho. He’s only going to hurt you like he hurt all those other girls.” I expected Jae Joong to believe him. To run to him and look at me as if I done everything wrong. I expected him to hate me for causing him pain.

He did none of that.

He just stayed at my side.

End of Flash back

Why am I an idiot. I must have done something wrong for him to stop talking. For him to bore on into the nothingness of the white snow drifting softly down towards the cold dark earth now covered with a blanket of pure white snow.

A million questions ran through my head since then.

Does he trust me? Does he hate me? Am I forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to do? What is this feeling that I feel?

It was getting late it was soon to be 11 and Jae Joong looked tired from crying. His eyes dropped softly as he leaned his forehead against the cold frosted window.

“ Are you tired?” I ask

No response.

“ Do you want me to drive you home?”

“ Home” he bitterly laughed into the window his eyes softly shut.

He looked like a fallen angel. Looking for something to hold on to. I continue to stare at his fragile form.

“ Do you want to sleep with me tonight?” Time seemed to slow down seconds turning into hours. Hours into days. Days in months.

“ I like to stay a virgin but thank you for the offer.” Angling his head his eyes full of amusement. His smile soft as he got up to sit on the bed.

Rolling my eyes I pull him down on top of me.

His body tense against mine as our legs tangled together under the dark navy blue blanket.

His body slowly relaxes against mine his hand on my chest the other one besides him as my own arms snake slowly around his curved waist.

His eyes look at me boring emotion. Something I haven’t seen before.

Something tells me this isn’t what rivals do. Nor do friends. Something tells me that we are something different. Something opposed by any moral person.
My chapped pale pink lips peck his forehead as his shuts his eyes into whatever nightmares he might dream of.

Barely touching his lips I feel his breath upon mine. Soothingly I mutter to him

“ I think I lo…”

Before I can finish darkness surrounds me as I fall into a light slumber as I am entranced by a faint smell of vanilla holding our bodies close.

Chapter 6
Jae Joong POV

Silently the weeks passed by like the cold harsh winds of winter. Running towards the dull gates of Yagazi. Sliding through the happy faces of students. Fear creeping through out my body the fresh bruises and cuts peeking through my dark navy blue uniform. The bright crimson red contrasting against my dull pale white skin.

I kept running through out the halls to class. Earning odd looks from random students. At one corner Yunho, Yoochun, and Junsu stood there with another boy named Changmin who I happened to meet several days after the first encounter I had with se7en. I see them look up and raise their hands to motion me towards them.

My eyes grow wide as I darted across towards the other direction. I managed to hide it from them. The constant beatings. Hidden from the world. I rush into the class room and take my seat in the far corner. The 10 minutes pass by slowly as I patiently wait for time to speed up and for morning class to begin. As the others walked in I ducked my head behind the heavy hard book. My jaw bruised purple and black a constant stinging pain from touch.

Angrily growling as someone tries to take my book from me. Quickly I glance up to see Yunho observing me oddly. Concern filling his eyes I raise my head to reassure him everything is fine. His rough hands lightly pressed against my cheek. He lowers himself, as his soft chapped lips firmly brush against my cheeks.

For the rest of the day I avoided everyone. Hiding wherever I could everything was uneventful until after school.

Quickly I dodged through the parking lot towards the gates. Leaning against the cold hard slick stone to catch my breath. Sliding down I alternated my body to face the outside world beyond the gates. My version suddenly turned into darkness as familiar hands covered my big almond eyes.

“ Guess who.” He softly stated his warm breath trailing down my neck.

“ hmm. Yunho ahh?” my response softly parted my lips. His deep laughter rang through out my ears echoing within the gates. Softly pulling his hands away slowly moving around my small waist he took his rightful pace against the nook of my neck.

“ Its your birthday today.” He mumbled into my skin.

“ I know.” I stated Actually I had forgotten. I often do. He started rising pulling me up in the process. Intwinning our hands together he quickly pulled me into a random direction towards his house.

“ I have something planned for you.” His pace sped up as Se7ens's ruby red sleek Mercedes approached us. I picked up my pace as well.

“ Are you going to be like Junsu and try to drag me into that porn store again?” Curiosity was getting the best of me as we briskly walked. His laughter rang out loud once again pulling me into a black gated drive way.

“ Wait here I’ll only be a couple of minutes.” After that he ran in to get whatever things that where needed.

Aimlessly I lean upon the wall my head lowered counting the random ants marching by. The minutes went by slowly as I wondered off.

To think of it. Changmin had a fascination with food. That’s kind of scary since whenever I see him he is eating. If he isn’t eating well he’s sleeping or studying. Mostly eating. I wonder if he will marry a food idem one day. That’s kind of interesting. Ohh I wonder what there kids would look like.

“ Boo Jae ahh.” Yunho’s voice broke me out of my train of thought. Raising my head to his direction I stared at the picnic basket within his hands.

Smiling I walked besides him towards the local park. Once there we passed the playground, the sandbox, the children and adults, the making out teenagers and Junsu making out with Yoochun.

Wait. Junsu making out with Yoochun. Junsu on top of Yoochun. Eyeing them oddly Yunho laughed again. Giving his I’ll explain later look.

He never does explain later though.

He finally brought me into an isolated area near the small lake. Laying out the blanket I sat next to him as he brought out the meal I hoped he did not prepare.

He isn’t good with cooking. Not at all. Yoochun once told me how he got food poisoning from eating Yunho’s pancakes. I began to eye the food like I eyed the Junchun situation.

“ Ah don’t’ worry I only helped cut the sandwiches and the ingredients. My mother won’t let me near the stove.” He reassured me as he rubbed his neck in embarrassment.

To hell with that I'm surprised his mother let him in the kitchen at all.

Scooting closer to him he pulled me into his lap as I picked a sandwhich. Unwrapping the paper I brought it to his lips. Taking a large bite he fed me his. This went on for a rather long time since his mother packed so much food. When everything was done the sun sank and day became night as the stars began to shine. As night came so did the cold winds of winter bringing in a soft bright white blanket of snow.

Yunho pulled his jacket over both of us. Wrapping his strong long arms around my petite waist welcoming me into his embrace. Softly he plopped his chin upon my shoulder as I leaned on him.

“Do you see those stars Jae Joong?” Once again questioning me.

“yes.” I quickly respond. His embraced tightened I can feel his nervousness. Maybe his fear as his body softly shakes. Rotating my body I faced him as he began.

“I need to know Jae Joong if you want this.” Emotion filled his eyes.

“I want this.” I stated my arms wrapping around his neck I leaned my forehead against his.

“ I want this Yunho. I truly do.” I stared at his solemn expression as his eyes softly drifted shut.

“ The stars resemble how I feel for you. I’ll love you until the stars grow dull and old and disappear into the never ending darkness.” Not opening his eyes he tilted his head his lips brushing against mine once and once over again until firmly pressing his lips against mine.

Not once has he said I love you.

Yet I know how he feels. Words of love are rarely spoken now these days. Expectations grow high and narrow minds close completely. Our lips parted and his arms pull me into a soft embrace as we stared off into the night sky waiting for tomorrow to come.

Next day

Junsu POV

“ Winter love is in the air I will spread the Jaehoness everywhere!” Micky sang out loud as we walked to our lockers at the end of the day. School had ended early today due to a teacher meeting.

Changmin and I looked at the shipper oddly as he began to do his happy dance. Yunho cornered Jae Joong into a wall probably whispering odd things to make Jae Joong blush. Micky continued to sing and dance telling the tale of the couple. To think of it no one knew about what happened yesterday. They haven’t even told us.

Ahh well we are guilty of stalking the couple for the past couple weeks Including last night.

Since the project they have been getting closer and closer and se7en has been flaunting about how he will take Jae Joong for himself. Not if we can stop it! Or the dangerous jealousy of Yunho. Just seeing a guy look at Jae Joong the wrong way will set him off on a killing spree.

Speaking of people getting closer, Yoochun and I have been getting along pretty well now. Well maybe it has something to do with me jumping on top of him and raping the innocence away from him. Just maybe.

Or maybe it had something to do with that wet dream. That very descriptive surreal dream. Or maybe it has something to do with me finally forgiving him with the help of Jae Joong.

Well… actually Jae Joong when I think of it threaten to tell Yunho that I dragged him into that porn store and made him watch a very nice video. We don’t want Yunho finding out. No sir-e not at all.

I have to admit it is nice having Yoochun around again. Having someone to hold and having him whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Yes it was nice to have him back.

Finally coming out of my wonderings I noticed Yunho and Jae Joong have gone missing.

“ They went to library again.” Changmin stated as he started his love affair with the chocolate bar Yoochun had given him for lunch.

Watching him lick the thin sides with his pink tongue darting at random areas. His lips pressing against the bar every so often. Yoochun and I just stared until

“ This is so fucking wrong” and Yoochun stomped off starting to rant about his non existent love life.

Haha what an idiot.

I'll punish him later.

Yunho POV

I Jung Yunho am a faithful loving person. Yes I am. This is why I am refraining from beating the shit out Lee Junki for touching my Jae Joong.

Yes MY Jae Joong. NOT his. MINE!

Yes I am a kind person that does not always resort to violence.

On the other hand it doesn’t seem to stop Jae Joong from whacking the boy with the book for trying to make a move. Yes I cannot stress enough about how much he is mine and not his nor se7ens. Oh yes not se7ens at all.

Still as Lee Junki obviously flirts with the angry Jae Joong I sit in my chair. Rather bored I see one of the popular girls approach me. What is her name again?

Stephanie wasn’t it? Throwing her long hair to the side she bats her long fake eyelashes at me pouting her enhanced fake plump lips.

“ Yunnie oppa can I sit with you.” She screeches with her high pitched voice

“ I am bus-“ I begin to refuse her but she interrupts me.

“ But Yunnie ahh don’t you want me to give you the special treatment?” Winking at me it made me feel sick inside. Honestly wanting to throw up on her I can feel Jae Joong stare at me walking towards me as Junki stares dumbly.

“ But Yunnie ahh don’t you want me to give you the special treatment?” Jae Joong copies her every movement using a fake female voice.

I fight the urge to laugh as he stands in the same pose as the girl. Sometimes Jae Joong is so moody. He can be shy and innocent and then the next second he can be cussing your ass off for smacking his ass. Ahh good times with Junsu.

Am I like this when I’m jealous? Haha I bet I’m worse. Far worse.

“ Stupid boy Yunnie oppa wants it from me!” her eyes sharpened as be began to stomp towards Jae Joong until…

“ Silly girl Yunnie baby wants it from me!” walking towards me Jae Joong gently plopped on my lap facing me as he straddled my hips against his locking them together.

Leaning his head against his neck he began to softly bite as I wrapped my arms around burying my head into his hair.

“ Oppa you don’t have to be nice to that stupid tramp anymore! I’m here for you we can have our own special time. Oppa I love you! Why can’t you see that!” the girl cried.

A soft moan escapes my lips as Jae Joong starts to grind our hips together softly panting against my skin.

As I hear footsteps run away from our area we began to separate ourselves from each other and walked out of the library before the librarion found us out.

Smiling to himself he began to hum as he latched himself upon my arm.

“ You bastard” he hisses thorough his happy smile. I laugh it off. Jealousy works in odd ways. Some worse then others.

“ You flirt. You're mine” I state some time after. Stopping by a random tree I pin him against it.

Smiling he wrapped his arms around my neck leaning our heads close

" Yours" parted from his pale plump pink lips

“ Mine.” I continue capturing his lips with my own.

Chapter 7

Yunho POV

The hallow sound of chopping echoed into the midmorning brightness. The pain of a thousand knives crawled around my lightly tanned skin. The random poundings within my head beat me down as I groan into my soft pillow.

Fucking rain making me fucking sick echoed through out my head.

The pouring rain had poured down on me mercilessly the past couple days. Silently my eyes heavily shut as darkness took over my sleeping forum.

“ Jae Joong! Wait! Please!” Swiftly following after his disappearing figure. The wounds of his body leaving a light trail of crimson blood slowly being washed away by the down pouring rain.

Catching up to him his cold body frozen stiff. His eyes wide full of fear darting in random directions. His dark mysterious eyes lay their gaze upon me. His voice barely hearable over the loud down pour of rain.

The look of sadness over took his graceful beautiful features.

“Saranghae Yunho Saranghae.” His full pale pink lips parted as his light body heavily fell to the dark cold cement.

Panic over came my body as I pulled his cold body towards my warm one. I quickly carry him to Yunjung hospital. Quietly I sat in the waiting area. Fear trickling softly over my body as I waited for the report.

“ Sir, may I know your relationship with Kim Jae Joong?” the doctor quickly asked. Boldness over came me as I softly lied to him.

“ He is my fiancé. How is he?” Butterflies flew around my stomach as the little white lie parted my lips. True he isn’t my fiancé, just not yet.

“There are signs of long term abuse. We understand that he is living with his aunt?” The words he spoke made me cringe inside.

“ Yes, he has been living with his aunt. She doesn’t know of our relationship yet. Please is he okay? Will he be able to leave soon?” Worry over came my body as a figure approached us. Raising and eyebrow at my urgency he quickly spoke his response.

“ We need to give him a few stitches and x rays. As soon as he is done you can take him, but bring him back in a couple of weeks. We like to see how he is doing.”

Saying our goodbyes and thank yous the figured finally approached me.

“Yunho what are you doing here!” a female named Hyo Jin hugged me gently.

“ Ahh Hyo Jin its been a while how have you been?” falsely smiling at her she grinned towards me.

“ I haven’t stopped thinking of you Yunho oppa! We should go out on a date I bet I could show you a fun time!” she offered me as flipped her hair to the side.

“ Ahh no I’m sorry I’ve been kind of busy.” I replied. Seeing Junsu no far from a distance he look dangerously at me.

“ Awe You always say that oppa! Well I’ll be seeing you around!” Winking she turned around and walked off down the hall as Junsu stomped towards me angrily.

“ What was that about!” He hiss he paced back and forth in front of me.

“ It was nothing.” I replied honestly.

“ If you cheat on Jae Joong I’ll never forgive you!” He threaten darkly waving his fist in the air as we sat down.

“ Who said I was with Jae Joong in the first place.” I spoke loudly.

The words I regretted dearly as a cloud of tension over hung us as the long night ticked by slowly.

The creaking of my bedroom door awoke me from my dark memorial dreams.

Softly stepping into my room Jae Joong brightly smiled holding a tray of steaming soup.

“ How are you feeling?” Setting the tray on my lap he sat besides me on the bed feeling my forehead lightly.

“ I’m fine you don’t have too worry about me Umma” Laughing lightly at he scrunched up his nose.

“ You have a fever eat your soup and sleep some more Appa.” Joining in on my laughter it was quickly stopped as the doorbell rang loudly through out the house. Rising to answer I grabbed Jae Joong by the wrist and pulled him in my embrace.

“ Aa it’s cold.” Wrapping my arms around his body I nuzzled his neck gently. Moving the tray of soup to my night stand I pinned him down underneath me.

The scent of sweet vanilla ran through my sense and the temptation of lust grew great. Lowering myself to his ear silently I whispered

“ Jae Joong ah?”

“ hmm yes?”

“Sara-“ Being cut off by the hooting and howls of Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin. I rolled off of Jae Joong as he began to laugh lightly.

I think someone has a grudge against me somewhere. Every time I try to tell him. Those three just have to pop up.

Grunting angrily I buried my head deeply into the soft pillow once again.

“ Jae Joong you’re suppose to help him get well! All that action might make him extremely worse!” Changmin lectured after all he was the smartest of the 5.

“ Ahh Changmin there is chocolate downstairs why don’t you eat some and stay there?” before I even finished Changmin was off running downstairs probably molesting the chocolate once again.

“ Yunho’s head is big enough we don’t need you to feed it anymore Jae Joong” Yoochun muttered darkly to him self.

“ You’re manwhore seems pretty pissed off today.” Jae Joong sang with a very happy tone.

“ He just got a spanking that’s all.” Junsu grinned devilishly to himself deliberately ignoring me he hooked Jae Joong’s arms with his.

“ Say Jae Joong lets go to my place and talk.” He spoke dangerously cheerfully a evil glint in his eyes.

With out another word they where gone All four and all I got up and changed to go on a quiet walk.

Junsu POV

“ There was this time Yunho got his tongue stuck to a pole in winter while it was snowing and he had to wait 2 hours before anyone could help him.” I secretly told Jae Joong, his rich laughter filling my house. His eyes near with tears and his hand gripping his side in enjoyment.

It has been hours since we left and Jae Joong hasn’t stopped laughing since.

“ Once when we where young Yunho Yoochun Changmin and I where playing tag and Yunho thought he was all smug because he ran faster then us but he ended up running into a pole. After that we almost got him until he ran to the bridge and nearly tripped on a banana.”

“ Haha stop I can’t take it!” Jae Joong’s tears of laughter was entirely breath taking as his skin glowed and his dark amber eyes glistened in the bright pure light.

Luckily I have Yoochun in the closet taking pictures.

Adverting my attention to Jae Joong as he rose to leave

“ I should get leaving check up on Yunho. It’s starting to become dark.” He smiled and he waved goodbye exiting through the door.

Walking out of the closet Yoochun sat besides me rubbing my lower back hugging me softly.

“ Don’t worry Su. Yunho wouldn’t.” His words weren’t soothing as always. His voice raw with painful emotion.

Jae Joong POV

Walking merrily through the park towards Yunho’s house my grin shown brightly in the dark evening light.

Strolling around for a while I see a figure that looked like Yunho in the far distance. Deciding to sneak up on him I crouch behind a tree following him quietly.

My ears instantly perked up he laughed. A females laughter could be heard as well. Popping my head from behind the tree I can see Yunho’s eyes filled with laughter as a female wrapped her arms around him.

Planting her lips upon his, his own eyes grew wide. As they parted she apologized and they began to laugh once more at her joke. My heart began to break as my stomach did multi flips.

Standing behind them going unnoticed truly I have become voiceless. Its like a deafening silence shattering my heart apart. Echoing over and over and over again. It just never goes away until the silent screaming shatters it into perfect pieces. Seeing her figure leave Yunho turns around. Shock to see me here maybe?

“ Ja-Jae Joong ahh! What are you doing here?” His eyes wide he approaches me quickly. Trying to pull me into his embrace I quickly pull away.

“ Are you happy with her?” Avoiding his strong gaze I stare endlessly at the cold lifeless dirt.

“ Jae Joong ah, she’s just a friend!” Quickly he explains to me.

“ Yet you kissed.” I countered taking several steps back.

“ We kiss.” He states harshly. It ripping me into pieces. Tears threaten my eyes wishing this was all a dream.

“ So I take this as a reject from my earlier confession.” I raise my head my eyes meeting his. Confusion over takes his as sadness overwhelms mine.

“ Jae Joong that isn’t what I meant!” But it was. Turning away to walk off I feel his hand wrap around my small wrist.

“ Please Jae Joong let me explain!” The trickle of salty clear crystal tears fall horrendously upon my cheeks. Pulling away from his grasp. I ran.

The one person that can heal my wounds. The one person that get passed the walls of my heart.

The one person that can shatter me completely.

Yes, I am truly voiceless now.

Like a deafening silence.

Standing in front of the school I looked up

In the dark stormy night sky,

The stars no longer shone.

Chapter 8

Jae Joong POV

Its like cold hard liquor. Just like cold hard liquor. Hard to sallow and it doesn’t go down easy. Constantly comparing the truth to my drink of choice at the current moment. How do you justify the act of betrayal? How do you justify forgiveness? Pouring another shot I compare the complex meaning between the two. Staring at the crumpled up paper before me, still I think of what to write. To say goodbye. He’s coming back and I have no time to hide.

Flash back

Crimson red bright burning blood painted across the pure white walls perfectly staining it dark velvet pink.

“ Mommy! Let’s go! Daddy is coming we have to hurry!” a young Jae Joong shook his near death mother postponing his escape he held his mother in his arms in her dieing moments,

“Jae Joongie hurry run.” The weak mother hissed pushing her son away from her. Her eyes began to tear up regretting not being able to see her only son grow up and be a wonderful man he would be. Not like his abusive father. Not like the coldhearted grandfather. He would grow up and be a loving caring man who would love his partner unconditionally.

“ No not with out you!” pulling on his mothers arm he unsuccessfully tried to drag her out.

“Jaehwa? Jae Joong? Where are you?” the male voice echoed throughout the hall slowly fading away but staying long enough to send the hairs on Jae Joong’s arms up.

“It’s appa! I’ve come to take you with me!” the father neared closer and closer

The brown door opened slowly creaking sharp inharmonic notes. The door finally opened his father painted red with blood raised the hacket he used to nearly kill his mother with. For a second everything went black.

Is this what death is? Young Jae Joong thought

Arms wrapped around him bringing him towards his mother for safety. Finally the hacket make its target. The mother’s head flopped on the floor looking back at Jae Joong with fright. The blooded poured on his head as he swore he felt the grip of his dead mothers body tighten. Errieily it the head smiled back.

For the first time that night. Jae Joong screamed.

End of flash back

Normal POV

“ Yoochun! I don’t know what to do!” Yunho whined unable to contact Jae Joong he decided to drag his problems to Yoochun.

“ Well it isn’t exactly the ideal situation you want to be in right?” the other of the two questioned

“ Of course not! I don’t even know what to say! I don’t even think he can look me in the eyes anymore!”

“ wait, wait, wait you shouldn’t be able to look into Jae Joong’s eyes because you are the one that is suppose to feel guilty not the other way around asshole.” Yoochun huffed. He swore sometimes Yunho was more selfish then he was.

“ Can you talked to him for me?” Yunho asked. Wincing at the question Yoochun didn’t know what to say. Yunho had talked to Junsu for him so at least he could return to favor?

“ you owe me.” The line went dead and Yunho smiled in satisfaction

Knock Knock

“ Aish why is it raining so hard?” Yoochun whinned to no one in particular waiting for Jae Joong to open the door he tried to call his cell phone.

Knock Knock

“ Come on! Open the door Jae Joong you can’t run away forever!” Yoochun yelled pounding on the door. Hitting hard enough the door broke open.

“ Wow down town really is shitty.” He muttered to himself as he obversed the walls with there unmasterful tagging. How security wasn’t exactly secure. How someone of his ability could easily break down a door.

“ STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Jae Joong screamed. Yoochun could barely see him. The apartment was dark. Unable to know where he was walking and what he was walking too he heard the crushing sounds of glass under his feet.

“Jae Joong are you al-“

“ MOTHER SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Panic rose not waiting to scare the already frantic delusional Jae Joong he walked slowly trying to clam the boy.

“ its me Yoochun. Don’t you remember?” Offering his hand out to Jae Joong who almost took it. Almost. Quickly pulling away Jae Joong backed himself against the back wall

“ You aren’t Yoochun! Yoochun doesn’t care! Yoochun lies! Yoochun wouldn’t have killed mommy like you did! Yoochun Yoochun YOOCHUN!” unable to control himself the boy slid down shaking. Unable to control himself anymore. Everything he bottled up for all those years had finally exploded. He finally erupted.

Quickly making way towards Jae Joong He held the sobbing boy in his arms listening to him repeat how it was his fault how he didn’t mean it how he was suppose to be the one that died. When Jae Joong began to lash out again trying to bite Yoochuns shoulder off so he would go away. He just tighten his embraced. Humming a light claming melody till the boy went back to somewhat a normal sense of well being.

“ Jae Joong are you okay?” he asked softly

“ you have to run away go run and hide go run and hide you have to run away quickly go!” Jae Joong started to shake unbearably

“ Jae Joong Yunho sent me to talk to you.”

“ Yunho? Yunho? Who is Yunho? I don’t know a Yunho! No Yoochun! No Changmin! No Junsu! I don’t know anyone not anyone!” Jae Joong paniced again feeling that the walls were closing in. sqwishing him into the deep darkness of death. Lactching on to Yoochun even tighter. His fear of death encased him, encased them both.

Ring Ring.

“ Hey Junsu what’s up?” Yunho greeted

“ Do you know where Yoochun and Jae Joong are they aren’t picking up there cell phones” Junsu wanted to make this quick. He knew what Yunho did because Jae Joong had called him and cried and then randomly hanging up saying he had to do something

“ Yoochun went to Jae Joong’s place to talk to him you’ll proabaly find them there.” Yunho said off handedly

“ thanks bye”

Junsu parked his car in the lot spotting Yoochun’s black Ferrari not to far away. Walking up the flight of stairs Jae Joong’s was exactly three flights up which where each thirty-three steps each flight his room was the third room on the third right you make. Walking up towards the apartment he noticed the door slightly ajar pushing it softly careful not to make any noise he walked in slowly. The glass mashed under the weight of his foot. The room barely had enough light to determine what object was which and what way to go. Slowly walking through the living room he heard screaming from his right

“ Don’t Let him kill me!” The frimilar voice of Jae Joong echoed

“ Jae Joong! It’s me Junsu.” The fear in Jae Joong’s eyes stopped him. Like a young child first exposed to the world he was afraid of everyone and anything that dared come near him. As he hides himself in Yoochun’s chest and begins to cry again Junsu doesn’t know what to do he feels worthless not being able to help his friend in pain. His mind is set in turmoil only to be pulled out of it after hearing Yoochun’s voice.

“ Junsu I need you to pack Jae Joong’s close and stuff. Bring it to my apartment when your done I’ll explain later okay?

Nodding Junsu hurries and Yoochun carries the unstable Jae Joong towards his car.

Later

After explaining the story to Junsu he completely understands. He understood why he has to keep the even secret from everyone else, especially Yunho. He understands why Yoochun can’t leave Jae Joong in that shit hole of an apartment. He understands that Yoochun might be turning out to be a better person now.

After Junsu leaves tired and emotionally exhausted Yoochun stares at the complex boy sleeping in his bed. His very comfortable which he is very tempted to just sleep on at the moment. But all desires are pushed aside as Jae Joong begins to stir in bed. Eyes swollen and tired they don’t want to open on command but once they do he wakes to a sight of Yoochun.

Jae Joong POV

I feel the need to say something. But nothing comes out when i open my mouth. Nothing wants to come out.

“ You know Jae Joong if you were my friend I slap you.” He smiles messing up my hair more then it already is.

“ I hope you don’t mind staying here? I know you’re dad is coming back and I know it must be pretty damm ass dangerous so you are staying with me okay?” he pushes on. I force a smile and nod in agreement.

“ This is my apartment no one lives here but me and you my dad gave it to me to let me have some independence away from home” He forces a smile as well. Smiling back I nod again.

“ I’m not the best cook but I heard you are really good at it? I’m not good at baking either and I’m a big messy and disorganized. This is the only bed and I hope you don’t mind sharing it with me.” He rambled on. I look around the room there is a silence he’s waiting for me to say something. When I look in his eyes I see concern and some how that comforts me.

“ Can we keep this a secret. This and everything I told you earlier?” My voice is raw I almost have to force my voice out but he smiles and nods holding my hand in reassurance.

I haven’t felt this feeling in a while but I know it’s true.

I can trust him too.

AN. I FEEL EPIC

Voiceless Chapters 1-4

2008-08-23T04:02:48Z

WHO FREAKING LOVES ME?

crickets

tears.

Title: Voiceless
Author: Masochistx3
Rating: pg-13 to Nc-17
Pairing: Main Jaeho minor Junchun and jaechunfriendship
Summary: An outcast from his old school. Faced with a past known to the world. Softly ripping him apart inside Jae Joong hides his emotion within him as he faces new realities as his emotions go out of control. Will there be someone to save him? Or will he welcome death with open hands? ( OMZGhaha)

Chapter one
Jae Joong POV

Yagazi High School one of hte most appreciated wealthiest high schools. You either had to be a genius or extremely weathly to be here

Me? I have no money well, not much of it. A genius? Hardly. I only managed to get the scholarship because I was an outcast.

No friend. No real family.

So here I am stuck in a huge crowed trying to get to my first class

" Fucking idots" I mutter under my breath I can feel myself being pushed back.

Being the ass I am Idecide to cut through the middle running into a well build chest to what I assumed was a mans because well, a girl having a rock hard chest like that is just creepy.

In my pondering I realize the crowd has moved backs lowly but noticeably they move back clearing a section of the hall.

I feel myself being raised and pinned to the lockers. A sharp pain runs down my sp ine and I can feel heated intense eyes mentally rip me apart to sheds. I look up and honey brown orbs glare a hole into me filled with anger he pushes me harder into the locker.

I can feel his grip tighten around my collar

I do what I can only do.

I smile my black bangs softly covering my eyes as I look towards the white tiled ground.

" What's your name punk" His boice was deep and soothing yet sharp and husky

Idly I continue to smile. I could feel the heated glares pouring into me by the rest of the student body

I raise my head putting on an emotionless mask and say

" Jae Joong"

And I can feel the world freeze as shock runs through all the students eyes.

Chapter Two

Junsu POV

" Jae Joong" I can feel everyone around us tense up and slowly back away trying to go unnoticed

I can see Yunho drop the new kid on the floor rather softly quickly backing away. I see him and Yoochun stride away probably running away to class.

The hall empties till it is just Jae Joong and I. Slowly but happily I skip towards him as he eyes me warningly.

" Hi! I'm Junsu call me Xiah." I grin leaning in towards him. Observing his flawless milky pale white skin. His eyes blankly stare at me questioning my action of kindness

ptfh can't a guy be nice?

" So you want to go somewhere?" BBarely nodding we being to walk out of school. As we neared the gate of the school his pace had slowed down greatly

"Where?" Does he know how to speak besides giving one word phrases? Grabbing his hand softly i being to pull him out of school grounds

" Hair solon to give you a new look silly where else? A porn store?" I grin as he softly smiles. Yay! He's a pervert!

Continuing to hold his hand we walk down a couple blocks to a local hair solon. As we walk in I notice he beings to eye the blond haired model on the wall.

As we are shone to seats I noticed he points to the blond model and gently smiles at the woman as she beings to transform him.

I chose just to get my hair dyed a dark raven color.

As we finish I noticed the ladies from teh solon flaunting over the poor guy. I pay for both of us and drag him out of there as he waves kindly towards them.

" So, Let's change your name: I comment softly not wanting ot surprise him. I look at his face as he scrunches it up in question.

An awkward silent consumes us as he thinks of my comment .

"Hero?" Softly parts form his mouth.

"Hero." Fluently rolling off my awkward tongue. We continued to walk until he muttered something like having to go to the front office of the school and get his schedule. Afterwards I roam around the blocks for several minutes. I returned to school having no morning blcok of class i returned into for lunch.

Strolling down the schools rectangle garden I pass the usual crowd ignoring their odd stares. Do I have something on my forehead or something? nearing the last corner to a secluded tree i softly plop down replaying the rumors I heard as I walked passed the group of girls.

" I heard Yunho oppa wants to beat the shit ouf of the freak!" one red haired girl whispered.

" Oh yeah I heard he tries commiting suicide! What a fucking dumbass" the blacked hair one hissed

" yoochun oppa said him and Yunho oppa where going ot gang up on him and teach him a lesson" the last one yelped rather loudly in honor of her "oppa" . Ptfh, ask me their skirts where to high for their own good. Their boobs where too big and their brains too small. What a shame.

Becoming resless I began to fiddle with my blazer whispering a song softly to myself. I can hear the crunching of leaves and a cold draft of wind harshly blows against my skin. As I look up i already knew who it was. Pain eviden in his eyes.

"Junsu" he sternly states as I lower my glaze to the soft irses blowing with the wind.

"Yoochun." I softly whisper

I can't look at him in the eys anymore. Not after what he did. Not after what had happened

Yunho POV
I watched as Yoochun goes off to follow Xiah in his daily attempt to apologize for hurting him.

Still, I can't help but feel guilty as well. i knew what was happening but I did nothing to help. Maybe that's why Xiah doesn't talk to me anymore as well.

Flashback
" Yunho you swear you won't tell Xiah" Yoochun pleaded

" Sure? What is going on?" I question as we continue to walk through the park near the abandon apartment building.

" I...I Betrayed him." He quietly stated. Stopping I quickly turn back and continue the conversation

" How so?" Eyeing him stupidly

" his girlfriend cheated on him wiht me." Stupidly I gaped at him.

" Swear you won't Tell?" He pleades to me clasing his hands together.

" No Yoochun you have to tell him." My eys soften I slowly turn away nodding my head in disapproval
End of flash back
It was the agonizing turth that splits us apart. it was yoochun and i and there was Xiah. No one dares call him that anymore. He chooses to change it to his real name Junsu. I can tell the void in Yoochuns' heart slowly kills him everyday.

I continued to ponder on the current situation. My mind began to wonder off the events that happened this morning. That Jae Joong boy Xiah took a fancy to. How cocky and soft his state his name. How his lips moved and parted and his fiar pale skin contrasted to his black raven hair. What am I saying? This is his entire fault! Making himself look like a victim and trying to play innocent PTFH innocent my ass I bet he wacks off to porn at night!

I stand up as I offer changmin my bowl of rice. he greatfully takes it with no remorse.

I have a feeling something is going to change.

A feeling of curiousity creeping up my spine. What is the real mystery of Kim Jae Joong?

Chapter 3

Yoochun POV
" Junsu" I state and see him mumble something in repsone as he gets up to leave

He doesn't know it hurts to see him like this. I want him to look into my eyes again. I want ot feel his soft skin against mine.

He runs past me. i know he wants nothing to do wiht me. Silence surrounds me once again. An empty feeling resurfaces.

No one knows it hurts inside. I smile at the empty space once occupied softly I whisper

"I'm sorry."

Junsu POV
Leaving Yoochun I being to rant to myself out loud

"Stupid small headed little chicken faced BLAH!" earning odd stares from teh other students. The ending bell rings and we all rush off to our own respective classes.

5th period went by raher quickly since all we had was partner workd. Although I was rahter distracted by that huge mole on the back of the guys head. AH! Creeps me out all the time

I walk to 6th period as usual. Eeying Jae Joong who had walked in right when the bell rang. Wow he knows how to give a first impression. his newly dyed blond hair makes him glow. is that natural?

He must be an angel or something. Now I really have to taint his innocence. the teacher happily points to the desk two seats away from me. Then she began the lesson of the day. About how the one guy marries his mom and kills his dad blah, blah, blah. near the end of class I notice a note gets thrown on Hero's desk. Opening it up I see he quickly scans it obviously angry he crumbles up the papter and shoves it in his backpack.

I quickly turn my head to see Yunho smirking.

"Well that son of a bitch" I mutter rather loudly. Louder then i should've said it

"Excuse me? Mrs. Sang lee looks back

" The son of the um...sea! YEAH! Was there a son of the sea? Getting a rahter odd look from her and the rest of the class iI just drop my head down

Have I ever toldyou I hate English?

THe last bell rings and finally out of this hell hole! As I leave the class I notice Hero long gone before me Slowly i start hearing about the Yunho and Jae Joong fight. I began to ask around if anyone knows the location. At last no one does. All everyone says is

"He is so fucked over"
I just hope Jae Joong is okay

Yunho POV
5 Hours later

7:43 PM the neon flashing clock glares at me. I get out of my car only two more minutes till he arrives.
I see his figure walking up wearing a black baseball cap he pulls his jacket over him. Its getting cold and I wish I brought my own jacket to wear. We stand across each other. Him and His emotionless display and I wiht my cockly attitude.

"A clean fight" He simply states. Wow the most I'll ever hear out of him. I smirk this should go fast. oh boy was I wrong

40 minutes later 8:35 pm
I have to admit this took longer then expect. Both of us beaten rather badly.
"YOu think i'm afraid of you" I snarl at him and he dodges my punch

"You don't know what fear is fool" Quickly spin kicking me in the side i grab his leg and twist it into an awkward position till he lands on the floor.
"You think you can get out of being the way you are. A freak!" I hissed as he jumped back rather quickly then expected.
" Like you would know!" He yells back full of anger no longer in his stance he began to hol dhis leg
"You're weak you know that! You think that pity shit is going to work on me? Do you think you know what fear is?" Shoving him rather harshly he leans on the tree for support.

" It isn't what you think.Every phrase every word every breath every cough means something. You don't know what it is like to truly fear. You odn't know what it is like to know someone is out ot get you. Afraid to go to sleep. Afraid it will be the last breath you take when you walk outside your door. You fool you have no idea!"

Before I could respond He limped off. Clearly beaten adn battered. Guilt pups thorough my viens as I see his disappering figure.

As I limped my way back to my car and on the drive home my mind is only on his words Jae Joong had said. Seeing the pain and heartache in his eyes
It killed me.

Next day
Junsu POV
Jae Joong looks perfectly fine to me. Besdies his limping. Ohh maybe instead of fighting each other they went at it! Sounds so tempting haha

No one dares go near Yunho now. Not that he is angry. heseems more guilty? stupid idiot that's what you get for not using condom. Whoa way off topic now! Running up to Jae Joong I slip my arm around his wait to help him keep balance

"Fucking bitch" He mutters under his breath. Luckily we have first period together as well. Helping him to his desk Yunho and Yoochun walk in as well. More like Yoochun is dragging Yunho's half dead body in the class.

As i quickly slip into my desk Mrs. Jung Lee walks in.

We did our usual greeting. Besides Jae Joong who i found was fighting the urge to yell out fuck you across the room. She had began to explain our partner projects as she wrote the partners down on the board.

" Just fucking great" Yunho behind me mutter rather bitterly. It couldn't be that bad could it?

I raise my head to scan for our names and in big white bold writing there it was.
Partners
Kim Junsu with Park Yoochun

Kim Jae Joong with Jung Yunho

Jae Joong POV
Stupid short ugly fat teacher.

I sense the bastard coming up to me. Is it me or does he look happy?

"Friday sense we have the day off I'll pick you up at-"

"Fuck you" i simply state. Of all the people

"library" he lamely finishes and walks off

I can see Xiah look at me with amusement. he's happy about this. Little bitch is happy about this!

It isn't that i hate Yunho. Well actually yeah I actually do. He is strong. Popular has every girl at his feet. handsome, smart, money, everything! Most of all...

He is everything I can't be.

Chapter Four
Junsu POV
Time: 5:43 am
Mood Confused, amused

dear my fellow liverjouralers,

today Jae Joong is being forced to work with Yunho on the art project. Not sure about how describing your partners in poetic terms ahs anything to do with drawing and painting. BTW! I got stuck with him! The no good stinky Park Yoochun. Oh well we know enough about each other already but he wanted to meet up on Saturday. EW... I wonder what Jae Joong and Yunho are going to be doing. Haha getting it on I know for sure. oh well back to sleep way too early for me friends. Bye!

Finishing my livejournal i post everythign up quickly returning to bed before mother wakes up to find me on the computer again! Poor Jae Joong I hope he doesn't get any hickeys!

10:02 am

Running towards the library’s direction I see Jae Joong up form in front of me clearly frozen and cold.

I was supposed to pick him up. I should be at the library waiting for him in my heated car. Yet at last my parents decided to “borrow” it and go on a trip. Trip my ass.

Picking up my pace I noticed his usually glowing milky pale skin has now turned into a murky grayish color. Obviously from lack of warmth.

Quickly running up to him from behind he gave me a rather odd look noting the dark black circles under his eyes.

“Not much sleep?” Smoothly I start a conversation.

“Work” he simply states slowing down his pace to which I assume is because of his leg.
Guilt surges through out me once again as I see his body limp across the sidewalk.

“ Why did they keep you all night” sliding quietly over so discreetly as possible I know I failed as his body tenses up because of my actions.

Silence fills the empty space between us. As we reached the library I notice how he just stares at the park across the school. Slowly he starts making his way over I have no choice but to follow.

Slowly yet quickly his pace beings to quicken as he beings to spring off into a random direction leading into the far off lake many don’t go near.

As he nears the bridge his soft quiet breaths turn into dark panting hisses. Catching up rather quickly I now stand behind him. His eyes begin to look misty and glassed over with tears. His body shivering from the frozen cold.

Unbuttoning my black warm wool coat wiggling my arms out from my sleeves softly I pull Jae Joong into me. Wrapping the coat around both of us my arms softly slide around his petite curved waist. Resting my head on his shoulders I can feel his cold frozen cheek warm up against mine.

His body tense and frozen. Slowly he relaxes into my embrace.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered into his ear trying to sooth away whatever put this emotional breakdown upfront.

Nothing but silence. I can feel his body move. Not wanting to let go he slowly faces me. His big dark eyes filled with sadness. Broken he smiles as he leans on the railing of the old bridge.

I can’t tell if he is falling back I can’t tell if he realizes this either.

I’m not sure what has or had taken over me. The urge to jump with him pumps through my body as I wrap my arms around his waist once again. Next thing I know.

We fell into to lake.

--Jae Joong POV—

I don’t remember much. Besides from falling and blacking out. Now I am in my current situation. A muscular arm wrapped around my waist and a body warming up mine as I lay content in my boxers.

Wait, this isn’t right.

Opening my eyes sharpen greatly as I see Yunho’s half naked form in front of me.

“…”
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!?”

Yunho falling off the bed groggy from sleep looks up with at me with a confused look

“You fell in the lake!”

“WHY AM I BUTT NAKEDD!” panic ran through my veins as I wrapped my body with the white sheets rolling off the bed onto the floor.

“Look I didn’t do anything I shoul-“blinking his eyes opened widely

“YOU DON”T THINK I DID THAT TO YOU DO YOU!?!?!?” raising his voice in panic

“…” Something in the back of my mind says I wouldn’t mind if he did.

Quietly he stares back as I eye him suspiciously.

Slowly he blinks unable to process whatever is going on in that small head of his.

My cell phone rings the annoying boy band song. Quickly grabbing it I answered

“Hero! This is Junsu! What happened to the library I went there and you where there! Yoochun is here. I swear he’s stalking me oh shit! COME OVER HERE AND SAVE ME DAMMIT! PUT THAT DOWN STUPID YOOCHUN YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK IT!” then the line went dead. How he got my number? No idea.

I just hope they clean up the mess they cause when they get done.

Tilting my head I looked and Yunho as he peered at my back rather intently.

“Junsu Yoochun library.” I feel uncomfortable under his strong gaze.

“You can borrow my clothes since yours are soaking wet.” Walking to his closet he picked out what I assumed what he was going to wear but no it wasn’t. It was mine.

“I’m a different shape then you and you are a bit skinnier then me so...”

No fucking shit moron.

As he passes me a black shirt with a white skull on the front of the shirt after I slipped it one as he passed me black skinny jeans a black and white button up dress shirt and a black beanie. Quickly I slipped on his clothes and he put on his own.

Handing me a black hoodie he put on his coat as we walked off down the halls to the front door.

I swear I could have gotten lost and ended up dieing in some corner within the house.

Sadly I was shocked back to reality as the cold wind hit my face. Quickly we began to walk onwards to the library hoping this time I wouldn’t run off and fall into a lake.

The walk seemed long and agonizing as a intense silence took over us.

As it got colder the closer we had gotten to where a point where I am holding his hand to keep my own warm.

Something oddly strange about him now. He isn’t the asshole I fought. Far from it actually, He makes emotional like a flutter in my stomach. He makes me feel something and I’m not sure what it is.

This isn’t right is it?

Pushing those thoughts aside we are now in the parking lot of the library to what I assume it is. I can see Junsu with a stick chasing Yoochun probably cursing some random profanity. Randomly stopping I can see their faces glue to the window as we approach them their eyes wide with excitement? Or is that shock?

I can feel out bodies getting closer.

I haven’t noticed it till now but,

His hand fits perfectly into mine.

An. DOES ANYONE LOVE ME?

crickets

what the hell!

Panic

2008-08-20T08:58:28Z

I NEED TO UPDATE MY JAEHO STORY VOICELESS ~~and maybe fanfiction gone wrong~~

~~BRAIN MELT~~

and fix my tags because my tags are getting annoying :)

~~I NEED SOMEONE TO GET ON MY ASS FOR UPDATES~~

my life is an epic fail.

On a brighter note I've been itching to make Tsuna Cosplay

because i think his gloves are one of the most narly things ever.

:)

I should really update that story because I feel really bad and I re-read the comments and they make me go aww and then I feel like an ass for the people that have been waiting forever (because i hate when i find a story i'm hooked on and the author never updates [though my story i think isn't really that good when i re read it a couple nights ago just looking at all the mistakes made me cringe]) and i have no excuse really its just me being lazy and not having enough confidence in my writing

thought i would like to blame school work and summer work and just work and my family and shitty friends and those friends that say they are gonna go to cons wiht you and you wait 5 fucking hours at your house for them only to find out they decided to go with their signifcant others house to go make babies instead and you pretend its cool until you realize you missed the gathering you been waiting for 5 months for but really is that to blame?

knocks self out

breath

2008-07-22T06:52:34Z

breath take a break relax. let the air fill your lungs and slowly escape as you release.

don't forget to blink because remember you are in this too and it takes everything.

we aren't what we wanted to be and we aren't who we pretend because we are all lost in this game. There isn't such a thing called piece of mind because as people we are all empty inside. We close our eyes and accept the lies because we all its only time before we die. because we grow to learn it is easier to accept and be chained then struggle and be free we are like a dieing race with no meaning.

We groan and moan we whine and pout we lie and feed like the greed beast. Our dreams we claim live in our hearts but truely we are haunted by the dark. your listen and cry but your tears have no meaning. you listen and wait you say it is up to fate and we nod but inside we know you have no feelings.

You don't know why but you are emotionless piece of shit you decieve and lie night after night

and still your tears have no meaning.

Silence Oneshot

2008-07-15T01:50:53Z

Lavi had never been one to fear the hollow silence. It was easy for him to avoid the awkward silence. The silence in the Noah home did not make him tremble in fear, it was the noise.

He could hear the gentle movements of the Tease as they fly through the air as he and Tyki make love. The sound of Rhode’s loud giggles when she walks into their room while they in the throws of passion to inform them they have a job to do. It was the screams of his friends in the prisons below him; it was the friends’ urgent cries to save them that scared him the most.

But there was one silence that scared him the most.

The agonizing quiet whimpers as they lay dieing in halls down below. It was his silence as he stood, in his Noah form, over his friends as he delivered the final blow. It is the silence he feels as he and Tyki walk away toward their bedrooms he sees Allen’s dead eyes as he walks past his corpse.

No, he thinks, the silence doesn’t scare him. It’s the silent void inside of him he has to fill that does.