I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.

there is something nagging at the back of the brain telling me that I don't belong. Somewhere twisted and angry I want to be too but that would be selfish. Selfish. Too selfish too self centered too in control.

but i've never had those.

I feel like I'm getting beaten down day by day but shit I refuse to tell you. Any of you. There is nothing to tell. Nothing. Wheres its these late nights i spend tossing and turning staring into the bleak emptiness. Heavy with burden. Heavy with distaste. For me and you.

These well organized thoughts are lined up one by one after one another but with a heavy tiredness. Tired. Tired are my eyes and soul. Day by day something builds on my shoulders. Laughing and mocking.

Turning a blind eye I still cannot see. Its a bleak grayness that swirls inside the pit of my stomach as I take another pill.

Just one more.

Because fuck it'll solve all that is wrong with me. So you don't have to feel the shame anymore. So you don't have to feel the burden.

Just one more.

Just one more...

God just fuck this shit.

I didn't sign up to put up with all this pansy ass bullshit everyday i go through.


and fuck all these pills are just making me angry and fucking depressed. I'm sick of talking to the doctor and i don't want to do this anymore.

it isn't helping.  Everything is just tumbling into a pit of misery.

some kind of sick fucking twisted self reliance on medication to make me feel better about myself and the world. Well no one fucking cares no one fucking listens you dumbfuck for a doctor. shit

just fuck


FUCK

Il y a tant de choses passant par ma tête mais en même temps rien. Je me sens comme I' ; m tombant encore. Vers le bas et vers le bas et vers le bas tandis qu'I' ; effacement de moi.

Ces chansons douces que ces voix invisibles me chantent ne m'ont plus mis pour dormir. Je regarde pour voir mais rien. Juste obscurité. La bouteille sur des bouteilles de civière de pillules les compteurs en bas mais font ils travaillent vraiment ? Ou sont-ils juste des réassurances mentales par les médecins pour les médecins que juste peut-être juste peut-être ceci peut être traité? Toujours, je peux sentir tout mourant à l'intérieur. Figuratif. Avec émotion. Mentalement.

Pourquoi est-ce que je pleure? Pourquoi est-ce que je meurs quand je vous vois?

Je meurs juste pendant que les mots brouillent à l'intérieur de moi. Est-ce que c'est l'extrémité?

Est-ce que je mérite même le bonheur?

Aucun parce que je suis juste un monstre.

Ces mots ne semblent plus n'importe quel raisonnable et mon esprit fuzzing(fail) dans une tache floue des émotions que je peux plus ne décrire. Et tous je peux vous dire qu'est je suis désolé.

Beaux mots doux

I'm not who you think I am.

I've been trapped behind these metal bars and the soft cushion on the walls.  Just let me count the seconds till it ends. A roaring thunder that echoes in the darkest of nights. I don't know who i am or what I've become, and I don't know what seperates me from you. Because these lines are blurring a hazy black and blue. You've got me cornered. Lights so intensely bright. Thrashing inside my mind I see you but you aren't really there. Never been there. I hear you cry in the middle of the night but those tears aren't really there. Thrashing inside my mind it's only about time. Sit. Sit in the seat clasping my hands tight. Stare at me. Stare at me I know you can hear me dying inside.

You've got me trapped. Cornered alive. I'm a prisoner of my own twisted wicked mind.

Stare at me. Stare at me i know you can hear me dying inside.

I'll be your own personal freak show tonight

It burns in the back of my eyes. You always manage to make me feel at my highest but then crash me down all at the same time. How long does wanting you to want me last?

It bothers me because we both avoid each other because it's just so awkward just to speak to one another. We both see each other everyday but pretend to be strangers. Whatever happened to being friends? Our friendship of " I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens"? because i hold on to those words dear. because i do actually believe them. even though i know you do not.

Eyes pass each other in the halls. You see my bruised wrist and my cut up shoulder. i see you scowl  but we are nothing but strangers right?


it is an empty feeling because i let you into my life. Knowing everything that i would usually keep to myself. but in the end i don't really know you right? in the end i don't really even know myself.

Don't play with me with your pretty little words honey. They cut deeper then you can ever imagine. But nevermind that

we're nothing but strangers now

I type but i'm not sure what I write. My words fumble and fall into my lap. Fall and break just like everything else. It was my choice my own fault. Even when we chose to do nothing it is still a choice. Still a choice that  you made regardless if you did something or not. but that has nothing to do with you.

because i know i don't want to take this anymore. I feel the strands breaking the ties coming undone. Your words slipping through the cracks of my fingers.

Just like a huge open wound.

its dark and empty and there is no sound. None. the slamming of doors and the screams the crashing of glass. but i've learn to tune those out. Learn to tune everything out. there is no sound. but you wouldn't understand. The things that run through my mind how empty i feel inside. hollow.

but you wouldn't know you wouldn't understand. because everything that you believe in centers around you and the things that you say and the things that you do all benfit only one person. yourself. and it makes me realize how selfish you, me, everyone is.

but I don't blame you. because you know nothing. because the ignorance you allow yourself to portray hurts you more then it will ever hurt me.

because these words don't cut deep and the nightmares don't seem to frighten me just like a faceless murderer. just like my faceless murderer raping my innocence away, you know nothing.


Your pain only concerns you and the people you hold so dear. You think you know my pain. but no you don't. You will never realize will you?


Will you ever realize that i'm just am an empty monster?

hollow.

This is no city of hope and i want you to know.

You can't kill something that is already dead.

There is a time in your life were the words just don't seem right.

How empty the space is but you really never noticed before.

You don't notice the small dent in the wall until now.

but its all too late and you wish you could've known sooner.

but you didn't. and it breaks you down inside because you know

you can't make up for lost time.

Well I found some pictures of me

:3

( saywhat? )